Compassionate Connecting

The Plank, The Speck and Self-Empathy

2010-07-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

I am intrigued by something that happened to me yesterday. I had written a speech titled Self-Empathy as a Means to Connection as part of my participation in Toastmasters. As I practiced reciting the words I had written while pacing back and forth in my living room, I realized the content of my speech was very similar to the teachings around the metaphors of the "plank" and the "speck" given by Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount. Granted, I had written about these similarities in my book project, but my intention of the speech was different - more to inform than to persuade. I was inspired to include the insight in my speech as this helped to meet needs for meaning and discovery. Part of the challenge of Toastmasters, is to write and deliver a speech in 4 to 6 minutes. Here are the points I was trying to make:

Empathy is the process of being with someone in their experience; a kind of respectful listening from the heart which acknowledges their feelings and needs.
It is difficult to be empathetic with someone else, if we are not aware of our own heart experience going into the conversation. Our own emotions would get in the way of our being present with the other person, unless we have already acknowledged our own feelings and needs.
In NVC, the process of getting clear with our own heart is called "self-empathy", and contains four elements: 1.Observations, 2.Feelings, 3.Needs and 4.Requests.
As such, self-empathy is a means to connection, a stepping stone in connecting with someone else.

Here are the words of Jesus from the bible, followed with my brief commentary on the parallels to NVC.

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Matt 1-2 NIV)

Here, Jesus makes that point that judging others, also affects us - the judge. The implication of not judging is that we are invited to accept others in love (not agreeing, just accepting) - the points about love, acceptance and mutuality are covered in different parts of his sermon. In NVC, this is called Observation.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matt 7:3-5 NIV)

Jesus makes that point that we can't help our brother with their issue, if we have our own issues getting in the way. It doesn't make sense to try to help them, if/when we have our own stuff with us in the moment. He seems to be saying something like: You silly dude, take care of your heart before trying to help your brother; then, you will have enough presence to help them with their problems.

This is exactly the point I was trying to make in my speech -- that we can't really connect with someone if we haven't taken care of our own heart stuff. It is very interesting what he says a couple of verses afterward:

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matt 7:7 NIV)

Jesus very clearly is inviting us to ask for what we want, as it will help us find what we seek. In NVC, this is called making a Request.

Wow! Is that cool or what? I feel like I've discovered a treasure, as both NVC and Jesus' teachings have helped me find clarity and joy... (more of that's in my book).

So, I gave my speech without notes, which you can see in the video below.

The speech was well-received, and I'm generally happy with it, though there are a few things I would tweak... (practice, practice, practice). Part of the constructive feedback for improvement was:

* Define empathy more clearly in relation to self-empathy
* Clarify the outline, especially around: 1.Observations, 2.Feelings, 3.Needs, 4.Requests
* Don't mention that you are nervous (though for me, that's a perfect example of the value of self-empathy)

I'm curious to hear other people's reactions to what I've written, or what's on the video - around my needs for connection, learning and community. Would you be willing to comment on what came up for you?

Early Morning

2010-06-06T06:37:00.000-07:00

Woke up early this morning, just like I have been for the past month or so. This time, it was still dark outside; I got up after realizing that sleeping was hopeless. I made a cup of coffee and went on to my balcony to enjoy the sights and sounds. Birds singing, crows squawking, and the pine trees just stood there as if saying:

"Yeah, thanks for stopping by - Where have you been? We've been waiting for you."

And then God dimmed the lights on, showing the purple of a jacaranda tree beginning to flower. Ahhh...

I've been pretty energized this year; so much that I've been waking up earlier than usual. I'm excited to work on my book, to get it ready for publishing -- the book project is helping me to meet needs for meaningful expression in the hopes of contributing to the well-being of others.

On Friday, I printed the "good enough" version of the manuscript and sent it out to some authors, pastors and NVC trainers -- hoping that they'll like it enough that they'll tell their friends, and give me a supporting "blurb".

Given that I'm in the third trimester of the book's development (it does sort of feel like a baby to me), I don't have much to do in terms of writing while the editors work on it some more. Writing, it seems, is more of a community project than I had realized; while much of the raw stuff of the book was typed by me, lots of people's comments go into shaping the final product.

This inertia of editing woke me up, so I had time for writing this blog post. I'm also realizing that its been a while since I've been out to the mountains alone; they seem to be calling me too. I'm pondering whether a backpack trip is in my immediate future or not. The time seems right; I need to unplug for a bit. Immersing myself in nature, away from the city helps me to hear God's voice more clearly...

Mountain Retreat Experience

2010-04-27T08:50:00.000-07:00

I spent last weekend in the mountains with old friends, and got to make some new ones. We attended workshops, meetings, practiced self-care, and played a lot.

My favorite workshop invited us to consider our artistic identities, and how we could use creative expression as a means to grow and contribute to the well-being of others.

At the meetings, I enjoyed people's openness and willingness to be honest with their heart meeting needs for authenticity, honesty and belonging, as we all are trying to find health and life alone and together.

I got to practice self-care by getting a massage, taking naps, going in the hot-tub, and waking up before dawn to watch God fade the lights on while I practiced Tai Chi.

We all played through singing, drumming and dancing together. But my favorite activity was the "Talent/No-talent" show. I was surprised at how much fun this was for me, and how much "Talent" showed up in the room - several of us commented on how the "No-talent" was missing; but I think it was more about being authentic with our play and showing up to be ourselves in front of a bunch of other people.

I signed up to read a poem I had written a few years ago called "The Well". I was telling myself that "it was too long" and feeling some anxiety around that -- as I gave myself empathy, I realized that I was wanting to contribute aliveness and flow through my poem, and I was also wanting to show mutual consideration to the other participants given that there were so many. After sharing my honesty with the MC, and with the group, I read the poem to the audience; this was the first time I had ever read this poem in front of anyone. I took my time reading it, and pausing after each phrase allowing absorption to take place. I could hear my own voice echoing in the room (I love to speak into a microphone). I got a little chocked up around the verse that described living water exposing all the gold, as my needs for meaning, contribution and beauty were stimulated. As I finished, I felt joy, support from my friends, a sense of accomplishment, and celebrated the peace that I helped to create.

At the end of the retreat, we all gathered in a circle to celebrate the joys of the weekend and mourn our return to normal life. I was moved by all of the beauty in the room. It was fun for me to harvest the heart stuff, reminding everyone that we get to take it home with us -- we had access to it any time we wanted. I felt the joy of contribution, belonging and community -- part of the gold that I uncovered this weekend.

The Editing Continues

2010-04-11T22:04:00.000-07:00

I've wanted to blog for a while, but the truth is that most of my time is going toward editing my book. It's coming along well, just slower than I originally anticipated. Also, my engineering job has taken much of my free time lately, though I still manage to do a little bit each morning.

I've enlisted the support of my friends, and I'm getting tremendously valuable feedback. The neat thing is that I am getting a better book out of the process, while at the same time getting clearer with my own thinking as I engage them in conversation. I am grateful for all of the support I am getting.

The new book title is "The Joy of Compassionate Connecting - Healing our Heart Through Christ". My goal is to have the next revision out by June, and to send manuscripts to some a couple of published authors who I hope will support my efforts.

I'd like to publish the book by October of this year. I need to find a publisher sometime this summer. I know I can self publish, but I also want to explore other options. Please let me know if you have any ideas.

I know those are aggressive goals, especially given that this is my first book. Please pray for continued guidance, flow and inspiration from the Holy Spirit.

My Domain Is Back!

2010-03-22T21:52:00.000-07:00

My domain expired while I was focused on other things... it was painful, expensive, and complicated, but it's back!

If you sent any email to me during this time, I didn't receive it. Darn, I guess I need to pay attention to my admin account. Hopefully, things will go better next year.

Quick Update: The book editing is coming along well, though its taking longer than I had hoped. I'm enlisting some support. I have a new title that will remain super-top secret until later on.

Can Empathy Save this Country?

2010-02-06T10:24:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning with the question: "Can Empathy Save this Country?"

I was watching the PBS NewsHour with Jim Lehrer last night, which is something I do most nights, because I enjoy seeing both sides of an issue. I came to the conclusion that I was tired of all of the bad news, especially the "bickering" in Washington. I have better things to do with my time than to waste it on what I am telling myself is a "lost cause". I usually stay away from political issues because they seem so focused on strategies, whereas I am more interested in connection -- which requires that the strategies be laid aside for a while.

Letting go of the outcome is something that our culture does not teach, except perhaps in 12-step recovery and NVC circles. It is essential for the survival of this country that the people elected to office, connect to each other across the party lines. Otherwise, I think, we are doomed to failure -- Our 234 year experiment in democracy will go bankrupt -- both spiritually and financially.

I find it interesting that the Obama Administration got elected on a sound-bite of "Empathy" for the people they serve, but they don't seem to realize that it's also required with the people they serve with -- all members of Congress. Actually, it doesn't surprise me that the politicians I see on TV don't seem to know that Empathy is a process, and not a destination. Empathy is a process of discovering the heart needs of both sides of an issue while letting go of the solution. Empathy is a process where both sides get to speak their truth while the other listens for the heart needs of the other, and reflects back what they heard. At some point, they switch roles and the other side gets to speak while the other listens and reflects back what they heard.

I decided that it might be helpful to list some of the heart needs for Health Care Reform as I see them. Remember, at this point we are trying to connect to the heart needs on both sides, while letting go of the specific strategies to solve the issue.

The Republicans seem to want a place at the table, respect, to be heard, and to contribute to the health care process. Another way to say this is they want mutuality, to be treated with the same dignity as the Democrats treat each other. I have heard that they are concerned, perhaps even scared because they want to effectively utilize the resources available to them, the means by which this country is supported financially. I'm also guessing that they are afraid of loosing their own means for supporting themselves. The Republicans also want to matter, to have an impact and their part in helping this country succeed in meeting the needs of the people.

The Democrats seem to want to contribute more directly to the health and well-being of the people they serve. They are excited because they finally have a place at the table, have a chance to be heard, and to more directly contribute to the legislation that will serve to do so. They are also trying to balance needs, and to efficiently use the resources available to them -- the financial support that the government receives from the people. They are also trying to meet needs of responsibility, and integrity by clearly defining how they intend to pay for their health care strategy. I'm also guessing that they are afraid of loosing their own means for supporting themselves. The Democrats also want to matter, to have an impact and their part in helping this country succeed in meeting the needs of the people.

The heart needs that I have listed here are universal -- all human beings have these needs and values at one time or another. In my opinion, we could all benefit if individuals from both sides of the isle were to get together and go through the process of Empathy. Given that they don't have much experience in doing so, they would probably use some help from people who know how to facilitate Empathy.

My experience tells me that admitting that there is a problem, and asking for help is not something that comes easy, especially to elected officials. I, for one, would enjoy contributing to this dialog, and know of others that could help.

Writing a Book

2010-01-12T22:41:00.000-08:00

I had a lot of fun blogging last year. Writing helped me get clear with a lot of the concepts I dealt with, and how they relate to others. So, on May 15, 2009, I started writing a book which I hope to publish this year. The title of the book is

Grace and Truth
Compassionate Communication for Christ Followers

Here's the draft of the Foreword:

My intention for this book is to contribute to increasing the quality of relationships of my readers through an integration of what I believe to be the heart of Christianity with Compassionate Communication (CC); CC is also known as “Nonviolent Communication” (NVC) by Marshall Rosenberg. This book is based on my experience and understanding. I have found that the core teachings of Jesus are essential for living a full life, and Compassionate Communication gives me a framework for putting its principals into practice; both are about becoming aware of my internal dialog so that I can be present to myself and others. I see this integration as a “spiritual discipline” of love in conversation.

I found this discipline to be somewhat difficult at first, though it became easier the more I practiced. I have participated in small groups of many kinds. The tools and philosophy in this book could be helpful in all of them, as well as in intimate relationships, the workplace, friendships, families, the teaching profession, healthcare, law enforcement, governance, and just being human. In short, it applies to any situation in which people interact and communicate.

For those who are Christian, this book will remind you of the principals of Christianity, and introduce some ways of putting them into practice. For those who are “spiritual but not religious” that would like to increase the quality and depth of connection in your lives as well as contribute to more harmony and peace in the world, this book can serve as a foundation for understanding Christians and finding common ground. This book is also for those who do not want to be identified as “Christian”, but who find inspiration in the message of Jesus. I have found that experiencing the consciousness of Christ can bring a level of healing and fulfillment where I experience awe, joy and sometimes deep sadness – all of which add to the depth of my life experience.

This book is less about intellectual Bible study than it is about applying its teachings to conversation. It is less about “belief”, and more about the practical application of the teachings of Christ. It is less about “doctrine” than about living in harmony with the values of Christ. It is definitely not about “rules contained in the law” – it is about the freedom to live in integrity, where one’s inside matches the outside. This book is about an invitation to participate and share in the loving creative expression of the gift of life, and occasionally using words to describe it.

I encourage you the reader to work the exercises, to answer and discuss the questions at the end of each chapter, and to join a Compassionate Communication practice group. My hope is that you too will find the clarity and fulfillment that I have found by following the heart & mind of Christ, and to experience his spirit of love in all of your relationships.

Playing in the Rain

2009-05-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend with my son Alex in his world. I flew out to Houston from Los Angeles to just hang out and do whatever he wanted. Last Saturday afternoon, he invited me to "go to the Bayou" on our bikes. I noticed that he took off without his helmet, so I brought my cell phone in case "an emergency developed." Being his dad, I wanted to contribute to his safety and well-being, but have come to appreciate that parenting is all about taking calculated risks. I also wanted to capture the moment, so I brought my camera.

I laughed to myself at how "complicated" things were for me trying to keep up with him -- literally -- as he sped away on his bike, and I juggled my cell phone and camera while riding my bike. I know there's a lesson in there for me... I felt a couple of water drops on my skin, and asked Alex if he felt some too. He plainly said: "Don't worry, Dad" and kept pedaling faster.

When we got to the bayou, I was surprised to find an intersection of 3 creeks, and concrete platforms on at least two sides that were visible to me. It turns out that word got out that we were headed there, so several of his friends showed up on their mountain bikes, one on a dirt-bike motorcycle, and another on an ATV (all terrain vehicle). They were riding down and up a steep hill as fast as they could.

I must admit that my anxiety rose as my protective fatherly instincts kicked in. I was telling myself things like "he's going to split his head open," "he's going too fast", "I should have made him put his helmet on." I acknowledged my concerns and connected to my desire to contribute to his safety, and remembered the goal was to have a little fun and connection in our shared experience. I've taught him as much about safety as I knew, now it's up to him to implement it. So, I got my camera out and shot some video of him and his friends going up/down the hills.

After watching this for a little while with another dad who hadn't been out there before, I decided to cast my fear away, and I rode down into the creek, crossed over and tried to bike uphill -- finding out it was tougher than it looked.

On the top of the next hill, I discovered a whole new dimension to this area which was not visible from the other side. Another creek and another set of hills with trails became visible, and I heard their invitation to ride them. I went for it -- down hill at full speed, leaning back on my bike so I wouldn't flip over, and after reaching the bottom, putting my full weight into pedaling uphill. Yeah!

I was exhilarated to be there, and I could tell from their faces that the boys were equally "stoked" to be in the adventure of it all. Then, all of a sudden, as if the sky had opened up, a bunch of water started falling on us.

I announced that "we should go now", but my son was way ahead of me, on his way up the first hill and on his way back home. The rest of us started to panic as the dirt paths were starting to get slippery. I biked down the side with concrete, which meant biking through the creek for a bit, then back up the first hill. Alex was way ahead, nearing the opening to the street; I did my best to catch up.

I was soaked within seconds. Everything was soaked, including my water-resistant camera case and my cell phone case. Little puddles were forming at the edges of the street, and I was smilling the whole time. I let out a couple of yells on my way home: "Whoah!"

By the time I caught up to my son, I realized it was pointless to rush inside. So, I invited him to play in the rain for a bit. We grabbed a dodge ball out of the garage and bounced it back and forth on the puddles of water forming in the front of the driveway. I asked Alex if he had ever played in the rain before. He said "no". We kept tossing the ball back and forth. Until I eventually started to feel cold, and he was ready to go inside for a hot shower.

But first, we took a couple of pictures so we could bask in the memory of another adventure together. Like all the others, the pictures are a reminder of the connection that we share, which transcends our time between visits and the distance between us. That's worth writing about...

The "Stupid Evil" Squirrel

2009-01-12T16:48:00.000-08:00

I spent a week over Christmas break in Kansas City. One morning, I was having a hot cup of coffee while reading the morning newspaper with a friend in her kitchen. I was sitting at a round-table next to a large glass window facing her backyard covered with white snow. As I peered out the window enjoying the expansive green and white outside, I noticed a medium sized squirrel approaching the house. When all of a sudden, I heard: "that stupid squirrel"; and a few moments later: "It's evil."

I was startled, no longer enjoying the beauty of the outdoors, and my awareness shifted to the statements made by my friend. There was at least one other name that she called the squirrel before she called herself "stupid" for some other reason.

I was alarmed for my own safety because I have experienced that same kind of judgment towards me; I was also confused because my cup of coffee hadn't worked its clarity magic yet. As things happen, my friend quickly went on to talk about other things, and I wasn't able to verbalize my experience; I need extra time to process ideas in the morning, but her comments were bothering me nonetheless. On the inside, I was concerned for my safety, peace and wanting to contribute to my friend's well-being, but I didn't know how.

I worried that if I spoke at the time, that she would hear a criticism, so I let it go. That afternoon, I tried to express my honesty concerning something totally unrelated, and I could see and hear her apply that same judgment toward herself totally breaking down our connection, leaving me frustrated and she experiencing some hurt.

We both needed a "timeout" and went to an outdoor jogging track. After sprinting one mile, I returned to the car for a nap while my friend completed her workout.

Our ride back to her home was uneventful, but I requested some time alone with her in the kitchen. We sat down at the same round table, and I told her calmly that I wanted to share some information with her, but I was worried that she would hear a judgment. I asked if she was interested in hearing what I had to say, and she said "yes". The following is my recollection of the dialog that took place in my conversation with my friend Lesley (I changed her name to protect her privacy):

"Lesley, I'm concerned at your response to the squirrel yesterday." "Would you like to hear what comes up for me?"

"Yes", my friend replied with a worried look on her face.

"I heard you call the squirrel 'stupid', 'evil' and some other name that I can't remember." I was guessing that my friend was afraid of judgment, so I tried to convey a desire to connect and understanding with my voice tone and body posture. "I am worried that you are trapped in a box of judgment and I want to contribute to your freedom." "Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say?"

Lesley said, "that you are worried and want to contribute to my freedom?"

"Yes", I said. "I'm wondering if you could tell me more about what goes on with you regarding the squirrel because I'm confused by your response." "What's behind your calling the squirrel 'stupid' and 'evil'"?

Lesley said, "That damn squirrel digs up my plants in the spring, eats up all of the bird feed making a mess in the yard. And I'm afraid that he'll dig a nest in our home, bite into an electrical wire in the house causing a fire."

She gave me three reasons before I had the chance to give her empathy, so I picked the last one in her list.

I said, "So, you are afraid and wanting to keep your house safe?"

"Yes", she said. "And I have to spend a lot of time in the spring replanting my flowers after the squirrel digs them up."

I replied, "Are you feeling annoyed because you want more ease, less effort, and to protect the beauty of your garden?"

"Yes." she said. "It’s a lot of work to plant and replant the flowers."

I responded: "So, you'd like some acknowledgment for the effort it takes to replant the flowers?"

"Yes." she said.

I noticed that her body posture was starting to relax a bit, as her explanations got shorter, the sound level of her speech decreased. I wanted all of the issues to be addressed, so I asked: "Are you also feeling annoyed when you see the bird feed shells scattered around the feeder because you want more beauty and order in your backyard?"

"Yes." she said, almost in tears.

I was guessing that she had received enough empathy for now, so I asked to give my honesty. I asked her: "Would you like to know what went on for me when I heard you calling the squirrel 'stupid' and 'evil'?"

"Sure!" she said enthusiastically.

I said, "Lesley, when I hear you call the squirrel 'stupid' and 'evil' I get scared that you'll turn that judgment towards me, and I'm wanting consideration and acceptance." "Would you be willing to tell me what I just said?"

"That you are scared of my judgment?" she said. I noticed that she heard what I didn’t want instead of hearing what I did want. She was hearing part of my honesty.

"Thanks Lesley." I said. "That was close." "I really want you to hear that I want consideration and acceptance, which are the needs behind my fear of judgment.” “Would you be willing to tell me that?”

My friend seemed to be hearing me more carefully now. “So, you are want acceptance and are afraid of judgment?” she said.

“Yes.” “Thank you.” “I also want you to know that I felt some sadness because I lost connection with you." “Would you be willing to tell me that?” I said.

“That you are feeling sad because you lost connection with me?” She said.

“Thanks Lesley.” “So, how do you feel at hearing me say that?” I asked.

“Gosh, I had no idea all of this was going on.” “I’m especially sad that we lost connection.” “I know I have a tendency to judge, but I didn’t know how this affected others.” She said. After recognizing that we had a common understanding of our experience, I turned our attention toward the squirrel.

“So, Lesley, what do you think is motivating the squirrel to do the things it was doing?” I asked.

Then Lesley and I explored how the squirrel was getting its needs met. It buried nuts underneath the plants to protect them from the cold and save them for later – meeting its needs for security. The squirrel was eating the bird seed because it was hungry – meeting its need for sustenance. And the squirrel occasionally digs into homes to build its own shelter. My friend came to the realization that she was connected to the squirrel somehow; that both she and the squirrel had similar needs for food and shelter.

I was sensing that we had a full connection and deep understanding, given that both of us had given our honesty, and gave empathy to the squirrel guessing at its needs. I knew that my friend read the bible every day, so I added something for her to ponder. “Lesley, do you remember in the book of Genesis when Adam and Eve bit into the apple from the forbidden tree of the knowledge of good and evil?” She nodded. “Well, when you cast judgment on the squirrel you are doing the same thing.”

My friend had a flower arrangement in the middle of the kitchen table which happened to have apples in it. I grabbed a red shinny apple, and took at huge bite out of one for emphasis. “You are playing God with the squirrel, thinking that you have the power to cast judgment.” “And you also turn that judgment on yourself.”

We laughed a bit after I made my point with the apple. My friend expressed her gratitude to me in helping her see something that was hidden to her.

Later that day, she looked at the front page of the newspaper, and said “that stupid person, she …” It seems that old habits are hard to break.

I looked up to her, she looked down to me, and I said: “It’s not about the squirrel.”

Shoveling Snow

2008-12-26T09:20:00.000-08:00

I spent the holidays in Kansas City with my family, and especially with my father who is ill because his lungs are not functioning properly. It snowed a couple of inches a few days back and I had the opportunity to shovel snow from my father's driveway. I had planned on doing it after breakfast on my own, but was surprised to hear the conversation in my head after my father asked me to do it. I'm not sure if it was the way in which he asked in this instance, or the ways in which he asked in the past, but my first internal reaction was of resistance. I was annoyed and wanting the autonomy to make my own choices, and disappointment because I was hoping to surprise him. After I slowed down and acknowledged my internal dialog, I was able to return to the state of wanting to do it --> to contribute to the household and well-being of my family.

So, I shoveled snow while feeling joy and getting some needed exercise at the same time. And because I have never shoveled snow with joy before, I asked my sister to snap a few photos of me and I shot a few myself. I figured that joyfully shoveling snow was something worth celebrating!

An Evening of Compassionate Connecting

2008-12-07T10:51:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in my living room, in the glow of a party that I co-hosted with Craig last night. We had the intention to create the space for community to happen and it did. We started by sharing a meal, where everyone brought something to share. I enjoyed the physical manifestation of abundance, and snapped a few photos - I was overwhelmed with the food options available; a foreshadowing of things to come.

After dinner, we gathered in a circle in my living room. It was a little too warm for a fire in the fireplace, but it represented the warmth that we were hoping to achieve. As Craig described it, "we are creating the space in the fire pit, it is up to all of us to put in a log". The room was lit by a dozen or so small white tea-light candles. People were sitting in chairs, love seats, pillows and floor chairs. The city outside my window also provided some twinkling from the houses below the hill on which I live.

We used the Native American Indian strategy of a "talking stick" to remind everyone that only one's persons needs are on the table at one time. To further symbolize this, we placed a set of cards with different needs inscribed on them on a coffee table in the middle of our circle. Craig kept track of time, reminding the speaker with the sound of a bell when 3 minutes were up, and another minute or so to wrap up. After a person was done speaking, they asked who would like to share next, and chose to whom to give the talking stick.

The invitation was for people to talk about what was happening for them in their life right now (i.e. what's alive in them), and perhaps to share something creative and original. Craig and I were concerned at the "large number" of 20 or so people in the circle as we wanted to hear from everybody, but not sure if the group would be able to hold the space that long. We were pleasantly surprised at how the space was held for as long as it did, around an hour and three-quarters.

After our connecting circle time, we snapped a couple of group photos and then danced!

So, I am feeling warmly joyful as my needs for contribution were met, for the connection, community and belonging I experienced, for the opportunity of being heard and known, for the fun of all the humor, the play of dancing, and for the spontaneous back-rubs I received and gave back. I am deeply grateful for our collective shared desire of coming together to celebrate and mourn life as it presents itself, also meeting my needs for authenticity. All of these things contribute to meeting my needs for love, and sharing love with others brings meaning to my life. And that is worth celebrating!!!

Balancing Empathy and Honesty

2008-11-15T11:44:00.000-08:00

I have recently come to appreciate the importance of balancing empathy and honesty*. I seem to be pre-disposed to offering empathy due to my upbringing. I suppose that its a good thing to start with empathy because it seems to lead to a connection more frequently than when I start with honesty (especially when I express my honesty with judgment, blame and criticism).

* Empathy is listening for the feelings and needs of another person -- sometimes asking if our guesses are correct.
Honesty is expressing our own observations, feelings and needs (using "I" statements) -- after having listened internally to what's happening for ourselves (i.e. giving ourselves empathy).

I have come to realize that I sometimes experience anxiety at giving honesty out of a belief (things that I tell myself are true) that if I am honest, that other needs like connection, intimacy and closeness will go unmet. While those needs could go unment after expressing my honesty (and they did for a portion of my childhood), I had made a "cause-effect hypothesis" binding me to believe that the outcome of honesty meant emotional distance.

It has been interesting for me to note that as an adult, I was participating in relationships which sustained this pattern, that while it really wasn't meeting my needs for connection and intimacy in a consistent way, that the pattern itself was comfortable in its predictability. I couldn't see my role because I was in it -- like being inside a box and not knowing it.

So, in the past, my strategy was to suppress my honesty in an effort to influence the possibility of continuing to get these needs met -- I describe it now as "an effort to buy love." I found that as a result, this strategy generated resentment leading to anger which accumulated inside waiting for the opportunity to come out. And when it did, I made sure that the people closest to me paid a price. Ouch!

So, the cycle** appears to be:
1. propensity to give empathy without honesty (i.e. meeting the needs of others at the expense of my own)
2. external action on my part that is not consistent with my internal heart (i.e. done out of duty, obligation or to buy love)
3. internal resentment leads to accumulating anger
4. act of violence where others are made to pay a price
5. feelings of guilt and shame
6. repeat the cycle in an endless loop of insanity

As I became aware of the pattern by listening to my internal world, I am better able to make requests of myself to make different choices. These days, I am hearing my need for honesty, and also hearing the anxiety of loosing connection with those closest to me. After hearing my own truth, I am making requests of myself leading to different choices; especially expressing my honesty in ways that have the possibility of connection at the end.

Expressing my honesty with "I" statements, ending with a clear and present request to the other person: "I observe that ______ . I'm feeling ______ because I'm needing ______ . Would you be willing to ______ ?"

I have learned that "letting go of the outcome" is vital to my sanity, makes connections more likely, and it allows me to be open to abundant possibilities that come to life. I feel hope, delight and passion as it meets my needs for freedom to express my truth, balanced with the grace of empathy.

That freedom is something that I like to celebrate. It brings me joy to invite others into having this kind of conversation, as it meets my needs for contribution, connection and meaning.

I feel even more inspired as I remember what Yeshua said, "If you follow my teaching, then you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free."

** I am indebted to Jim and Jori Manske for pointing out this general pattern at the December 07 IIT.

In The Beginning

2008-11-11T10:49:00.000-08:00

Every now and then, I go back to reading a collection of books which inspire me. I was preparing for a workshop, and thinking of ways of laying the foundation for communicating compassionately, and I thought of the creation story of the book of Genesis.

I was surprised at what I found, as it beautifully captured the spirit of what I was trying to say. I encourage you to listen for the heart behind the words (i.e in NVC circles, the invitation is to "put on your giraffe ears" – to hear the feelings and needs being expressed).

This is just my experience -- what I hear when I read them. You, of course, may have a completely different experience. I added “italics” to words that have special significance, to be recalled later.

1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

· I hear a separateness that is longing for unity and communion. I am curious as to why...

2 The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters.

· I experience a longing for form and fullness.

· I hear the "darkness" calling for light.

· I hear a spirit of adventure, an enjoyment of what is currently there - earth and water - this formless and empty space which hungers for something to fill it.

3 Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.

· Part of the longing for fullness comes from this new "light".

· This light can also be a metaphor for knowledge, related to the Greek “Logos”

4a And God saw that the light was good.

· The heart of God experienced something like joy at its creation; maybe it’s more of a statement of celebration, acknowledgment of the unique value of "light" as opposed to "darkness."

4b Then he separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light "day" and the darkness "night." And evening passed and morning came, marking the first day.

· As the darkness and light were separated, a pattern of things to come was being acknowledged; perhaps it could be called “balance”?

6 Then God said, “Let there be a space between the waters, to separate the waters of the heavens from the waters of the earth.” 7 And that is what happened. God made this space to separate the waters of the earth from the waters of the heavens. 8 God called the space “sky.”

· Space was created, to bring separation and opportunity for different things to happen within each. The beginning of abundance came to be. The longing for fullness, form and connection continues...

9 Then God said, “Let the waters beneath the sky flow together into one place, so dry ground may appear.” And that is what happened.

10 God called the dry ground “land” and the waters “seas.” And God saw that it was good.

11 Then God said, “Let the land sprout with vegetation—every sort of seed-bearing plant, and trees that grow seed-bearing fruit. These seeds will then produce the kinds of plants and trees from which they came.” And that is what happened. 12 The land produced vegetation—all sorts of seed-bearing plants, and trees with seed-bearing fruit. Their seeds produced plants and trees of the same kind. And God saw that it was good.

· I hear an abundance of food to provide nourishment, and safety that there is plenty to eat.

· I also continue to hear the celebration of what is coming to be, almost an expectation or longing to be shared with something that doesn’t exist yet, but that will be able to fully enjoy the gifts. This new creation is to live within the beauty of these gifts and to fully participate in parts of the creative process.

27 So God created human beings in his own image.
In the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.

· I hear a type of relationship being born, as human beings were created with two sides to each other – sides which God has within itself. These two sides, male and female are part of the relationship that is within us.

· These are parts of the foundation for conversations for us to have, which are part of the nature of God. These two parts of ourselves which are separate, but which dance together to form the whole of our being, bringing balance into different qualities of our nature.

2:7 Then the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man’s nostrils, and the man became a living person.

· I hear Life, Balance, and Harmony being born.

· I am grateful for the life that is within me.

2:9 The Lord God made all sorts of trees grow up from the ground—trees that were beautiful and that produced delicious fruit.

· I hear Life, Beauty, Nourishment and Celebration again

2:16 “You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden”

· Freedom, Nourishment

17 Except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die.”

· I hear the birth of Respect, Consideration, Integrity and Learning

· And the warning that if we eat from this tree, that we will be under the delusion that we know what is “good and evil” – that we will use this knowledge against others and ourselves in the belief that “we know better”.

· We will use this knowledge to create separation between each other, and sometimes this knowledge will be turned against ourselves. We will turn into judges and evaluate all in terms of what we think we understand to be “good and evil”, and it will tear us apart. If you eat from this tree, the spell will remain hidden within you, because it will become part of you, and it will bind you to its fruit. Beware of the fruit from this tree, for your own good!

18 “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”

· The Greek “Ezer Kenegdo” when compared to other uses of the word, can be translated into something more like “warrior companion”, and “rescuer” than “helper”

· I hear the birth of Companionship, Mutual Regard, Help, Service and Contribution

1:31 Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!

· I hear Celebration, Beauty and Meaning.

The words in “italics” above are what we call “needs”. We all have them. They have been described as “life’s energy in us seeking fulfillment.” They are gifts that give us life. They are not in conflict with each other because the source is divine, which I call “God”. They are built into the fabric of who we are, making us distinctly different from non-living things (e.g. chairs, tables, doormats). Needs are much like instruments in a symphony, and feelings are the music (telling us if and how well our needs are being met or not being met). Not all instruments are making a sound all the time, but we all have the full orchestra of needs. The appearance of conflict happens as different people have different instruments playing, and are not able to hear the other person’s music.

It is through an openness to hear the gifts of needs in ourselves and in others that understanding can take place through conversation. When two or more people are able to hear what’s alive in each other, and a common understanding is achieved, then a spirit of harmony comes alive within a dance of empathy and honesty. But this story is told much later in the collection of books, though truly, it was alive already in the form of “Logos” – the conversation.

What would it be like to bring these gifts into our conversations? How do you think your relationships would change if you were able to bring in this energy, this heart?

I’d enjoy hearing if any of this brings up anything in you.

On Singing

2008-10-19T15:26:00.000-07:00

I recently re-discovered the joy of spontaneous singing. I attended a morning session on singing at this mountain retreat last month, and was pleasantly surprised at how I felt afterward. During the session, the facilitator invited us to vocalize the vowel sounds at different times: "aaah"... "Ehhh"... "ee"... "ohhhh"... "youuu".... We did this at the same pitch for a while, then we played around with harmonizing to each other, alternating together between the vowel sounds. Then, we played around with alternating vowel sounds and harmonies independently, each person choosing which vowel to sing at whatever time at whatever pitch they wanted. We did this all with sounds, and without using words for at least 40 minutes. Then, we sang something inspired by American Indian tradition, having to do with acknowledging the wind, water, earth and fire; it was easy enough that we all could join in during the second, third and fourth refrains before breaking for breakfast.

I was surprised at how much fun I was having being creative in my own way, but also enjoying how my voice blended with the voices of the other participants - how our harmonies blended into a sort of community of sound. I also noticed a similar body sensation to when I practice Tai Chi Chuan, focused in my chest and through my arms - as though they are more alive and awake than usual. All of these things reminded me of the chanting that some monasteries practice in the mornings, and thinking how much I'd enjoy doing this on a regular basis with others. Sadly, I can't see myself doing this in my currently dwelling place, as it may disturb the neighbors (i.e. showing regard). But I look forward to doing it next time I'm in the mountains...

Morning Song

2008-10-07T09:14:00.000-07:00

i went out to the mountains
to get away from it all
the noise, the clutter,
the hustle and bustle
and found some reprieve
in nature's soft tussle

i went there for rest
and a little adventure
and maybe connection
with the creator of nature

it's communion i seek
with such divine love
which inspire me so
i leave comfort and home

my eyes do get misty
as my belly contracts
as i packed on the trail
and headed my way back

i stood on a hill
and looked back to the meadow
which brought me such joy
and yet i'm unsettled

the beauty enveloped
my soul in a way
that I felt a deep joy
and yet sadness that day

how could it have been
that this place was created?
what was in the heart
of this being that made it?

and what is inside me
that longs for this sight
which brings me to travel
so far through the night?

what words could i use
to describe such a moment,
when the sun rises up
and wakes up all that's living?

my soul wants to sing
and its just the beginning

Hike to Big Tree

2008-09-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

I spent most of my free time last week resting, as I had spent most of the previous week in the mountains. I went backpacking for 3 days with my friend "Hiker Jim" and then I went to a retreat for another 2 days.

The backpacking was an adventure, as we headed to a remote part of the San Gorgonio National Forest called "Big Tree", and we almost didn't make it. We hiked from Fish Creek, through Fish Creek Saddle. At this intersection point, Jim and I split up as he wanted to "bag a peak" on the way, and I wanted to continue towards camp (I was struggling a bit with the altitude, not quite getting enough air on the first day, and I was wanting to setup camp early for some early rest in the evening). We stayed in contact with 2-way radios.

The trail leading to Big Tree was no longer maintained by the forest service, and so we had to rely on "word-of-mouth" accounts on how to get there. I felt some anxiety based on stories of the trail, and it was now late afternoon. So, I continued on to Big Tree one-step at a time. Each step is important when carrying a 40 pound pack on one's back. After 15 minutes, Jim radio'd saying that he changed his mind and would shortly turn back toward Big Tree behind me; this turned out to be a blessing for both of us...

The trail to Mineshaft Flat (on the way to camp) was well maintained, though it got a lot rougher halfway to Big Tree. I reached a point where the trail ended in a meadow where a large ponderosa pine was living. I radioed into Jim -- he told me to look East for a creek and to cross it. I could see and hear the roar of a creek in the distance, but I could not see a path leading there through the dense tall grass and thick patches of buck-thorn -- which I called "buck-crap" or "BC" in frustration and pain, needing more ease, comfort and clarity on the trail direction. I searched the surrounding open area for the best way through; after several unsuccessful tries, I found a way that seemed to have been traveled through before, as the tall grass was leaning over in the middle.

As I made it back into the open, I realized I had stumbled into a marsh, where lots of little stream crossed through the area, each less than 2 to 6 feet apart from each other, and the grass hid most of them. Luckily for me, there was still enough daylight to ge through, though I relied on my hiking "staff" to probe the ground before taking a step. The risk here was not only in getting my boots, socks and pants wet, but also in twisting my ankle (not good any time, but more of an issue when packing 40 lbs on my back in the middle of nowhere). (I love my walking stick or "staff", as it brings me safety, stability, protection and it reminds me of my backpack trip with my son Alex where we whittled them down ~ the "staff" symbolism is a remembering of Psalm 23).

After making it past the marsh, I came upon the roaring creek, and radioed back to Jim. He suggested getting on the North dies of the creek. At this point, I was starting to feel worried as the sun was starting its decent on the horizon, and there was no dry-flat ground in sight. The creek was fast moving, and seemed to be 2-4 feet deep at points. There was a huge tree log that had fallen across the creek and provided a tempting bridge 15-20 feet above the water. There were other smaller logs and rocks below the tree log, so I decided to cross the creek there as "the penalty factor" was much lower (i.e. the price of failure is something I use in rating rock climbing routes). I went on to the other side in search of the trail.

After a short bit of wandering, I found a stack of rocks marking a trail (i.e. a "duck"). I moved forward in a quickened pace while turning on my red-headlamp for easier viewing. The path led me up and around the side of a hill into a meadow covered almost completely with "BC". The trail appeared to go right through it, but it was no more than a few inches wide and the BC was 1 to 2 feet tall. Ouch!

By this time, the sunlight was almost gone, so I radioed Jim with new of the trail, and suggested that he come my way. I was guessing the he was also feeling some anxiety and wanting a clear path to camp (duh!), but had continued to search for another way to across the creek further upstream for another 5 minutes. I decided to retrace my steps and go back to the point where I had crossed the creek. I climbed on top of the large tree crossing on the North side of the creek so that Jim could more easily see me, especially with my headlamp on. I also whistled to him so that he could follow the sound. (I was intrigued to notice that the radios were of limited help in giving us a sense of direction towards each other, and that we had to rely on light and natural sound to find each other).

As it got dark, Jim agreed to meet me at the creek crossing as I whistled and stood a top the large tree trunk. After about 5 long minutes, Jim radioed that he could see me and asked if I could see him. After a bit of searching, I could see him waving one of his poles over the tall grass. I relaxed. Not that I couldn't have found a spot on my own, pitched a tent, and survived the night in a makeshift camp -- It was more of the camaraderie and safety that came from being together as we started out together -- and he had the cooking stove!

After I saw that Jim was crossing the creek, I bolted out in search of the campsite - we were almost out of sunlight. I crossed the meadow of BC and made it to where this really big dead tree stood near a line of willows. Under the tree on the far side were a bunch of rocks circling around a flat area cleared of brush, clearly outlining a campsite.

I was pretty stoked (i.e feeling ecstatically delighted) to have found flat-dry ground suitable for us to camp. I took off my pack -- whew! What a joy to have that thing on the ground and not on me back.

Jim made it a few minutes later and seemed to continue looking. I was confused and a little annoyed that he wasn't celebrating yet - cause, I needed rest! But Jim hadn't told me that he had seen pictures of the "campsite"!!! and this wasn't quite what he was expecting. He walked a few steps East, found a duck (stack of rocks) and disappeared into the line of willows. Huh?

"James, I found it!" he said with a loud and excited voice. I walked a few steps forward, and sure enough there was a diagonal opening in the line of willows that lead into a dried out creek embankment, with flat dry land canopied by the trees on one side. The other side had another line of trees near a spring, leaving the middle of the campground open to the starry sky. There was also a circle of rocks with charred wood in the middle; clear evidence that other humans had been there before. Jim and I exchanged high fives in celebration. "Cool! We found it!"

We set up camp, and cooked the best tasting Hawaiian Chicken with rice that I'd ever had in my life, and we shared a cup of hot tea. The moon was out and bright enough that we didn't need head lamps.

Getting there was definitely and adventure, but having the tent up, air mattress filled, sleeping bag unrolled and a full belly really accentuates my experience of my basic needs for survival (shelter, sustenance and safety). And the conversation, transformed the campground into our little community. Jim slept out in the open in his sleeping bag; my tent was my home.

A Walk on the Beach

2008-09-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

I went for a walk on the beach yesterday with a friend. It was a warm summer day, with a clear blue sky, gentle breeze with a constant sun. As we walked on the sand, I was amazed with how vivid and sharp the plants on the sides of the cliffs appeared to me. I was exhilarated and giddy with the beauty and the depth of the blue-green waves, which kept me snapping pictures of them. Every now and then a wave would rise up and show itself as transparent light green right before it let go and fell to the sand. This is the "green room" where surfers try to go when riding waves. At this particular beach break, the room did not last long. But it was fun to watch when it showed itself, and I tried to take pictures of it.

Life has been pretty calm and regenerative for me lately, even though I seem to be doing lots of fun things, like walking, talking, hiking, offering workshops, and occasional dancing. I am open to the freedom of living in abundance and in celebrating the gift of life. I am grateful for the experience of living from the heart and mind, the strength and health of my body, and the celebration of the spirit that comes alive when I engage in conversation with friends. For me, this conversation about the nature of life, my relationship to others, myself and the love that lives through it, is for me a glorious opportunity not to be missed*.

* Remembering a translation by Professor Clive Scott of John 1:1-14, based on Erasmus' translation of "Logos" as "Conversation".

Backpacking with Alex

2008-08-30T11:54:00.000-07:00

It has been an intense summer for me. My son Alex and I spent most waking hours in a flurry of play, adventure, exercise, dialog and Olympics viewing (there was also some "math play" involved, but we won't go there now). He has gone back to his mother's for school, and I am left feeling a bit sad and missing his company. At the same time, I'm relieved to be able to get the rest that I need, and get my home back in order -- closer to providing the comfort that most supports my time at home.

Alex and I had many fun times together, too numerous to list here. One memorable time was going to an orphanage in Mexico, and seeing him interact with the kids. I'm impressed on how easily they are able to show mutual regard and also play together. At our last trip, we took the children to a swimming pool. One of our trip leaders demonstrated scuba diving, and Alex very readily learned and assisted in the training - eventually taking over the teaching as the adult leader needed rest from all of the swimming.

But, hands down, my favorite activity this summer happened on our backpacking trip to John's Meadow in the San Gorgonio National Forest. It was here that I was able to celebrate Alex's life stage and encourage him into his teenage years with a "Rite of Empowerment". I wanted to pass on some of the wisdom I have gathered up until now, to give him an idea of where I'm coming from -- so that he has a good foundation from which to move ahead, to show him support and encourage him to be himself in spite of external cultural pressures. I had three other adult male friends along with me, which I believed understood my intention and hope for this trip. My friends came through with their own gifts of wisdom and celebration; I am grateful for their presence and support. I thought about my letter to Alex months beforehand, but finished it a week before our trip. The content of the letter is a private matter, and the details of what happened are also between us. But I have to say something about my experience, as I felt a deep joy and gratitude as the intention and the gift that I offered to him were fully received, meeting deep needs for contributing, of meaning and love. And that's worth celebrating!

Bowling Water Bottles - Recycling Day

2008-08-16T17:57:00.000-07:00

The empty water bottles were packed and stacked on top of each other; they kept falling over in my garage as the mountain of plastic grew. My son Alex said to me "Dad, you really need to recycle those..." So, yesterday we did recycle them, but not before we had a little fun. Alex wanted to stack the bottles up in a pyramid structure, and toss a bowling ball at them. I let him try, but those things don't stack because they don't hold their shape (i.e. they are single use -- they were designed to only be used once, and then they are to be discarded).

So, he tried the next best thing -- he stacked the boxes and bags of bottles on top of each other, and bowled them away. Here's the video:

For us, it was a symbolic goodbye to the single-use water bottle -- as we took the Surfrider Foundation pledge to drink only out of reusable containers.

NVC encourages us to get our needs met, but only if it also meets the needs of others (i.e. not at the expense of others). I was drinking out of single use bottles to get my need for "ease" met -- (i.e. the bottles are pretty darn convenient). I realized that the plastic bottles adversely affects the environment and wildlife creating a problem for me -- it does not meet my needs for integrity, mutuality, and contributing to the wellbeing of others.

As I read more information about plastic, I also discovered that there are also health risks to using them, especially when the plastic bottles are subjected to heat. I used to keep a case of bottled water in my back seat, but started to notice that the water tasted funny after they had been sitting in my car in the Southern California heat -- now I know why :-(

I'd enjoy hearing how any of this strikes you.

Plastics Are Forever

The Truth About Plastic

Freshen Up Your Drink

Sunscreen Destroyer Ceremony

2008-08-12T07:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Alex said he is frustrated with the sunscreen that I (his dad) apply to his face and body every morning -- I'm guessing he's annoyed and wanting more comfort and autonomy. I want to contribute to his long-term health. This video shows how empathy can be helped by action. Alex decided he wanted to mark up a bottle of sunscreen, and run it over with my car a few times. It was fun!

Matt's Dance - Can You Do It?

2008-07-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, I run into a video that captures an important element of my journey and I want to share it. In NVC circles, I've heard this called a "remembering" of the intention, the heart behind nonviolent communication. So, when I saw this video, I was moved and wanted to post it here because it ties in with my recent experience/blog entry "Dancing Jackals Away". The video met my needs for fun, celebration, community, shared experience and meaning. Posting this blog meets my needs for contributing to other people's freedom from jackals***.

Please watch this video and comment.

Here are a few things that I noticed: Matt seems to enjoy dancing. Matt is doing his own dance, regardless of where he is located. Matt seems aware of the people around him, and seems to enjoy their company; but he keeps on dancing to his own rhythm. Every now and then, he modifies his dance to match that of other dancers. I'm guessing that the variety of the locations for his dance is part of his celebration of beauty and diversity in the world. People around him seem to enjoy joining him in his dance. I wonder: Are they feeling joy because they are wanting to celebrate life and a world community? Or, are they feeling happy and just like dancing? After watching this video for the second time, I decided to try Matt's dance style in my room, in front of the mirror. It was fun -- I laughed. It was a connecting experience for me.

Are you moved to dance? Are you feeling joy and wanting to join the party? If you are not moved to dance, what are you telling yourself that is keeping you from dancing? Are your "jackals***" keeping you from dancing? If you are not able to dance, please ask yourself why; keep knocking on doors until one of them opens. Maybe, seek out people who seem to enjoy dancing and ask them how or why they do it. This is a party and everyone's invited. Will you accept the invitation?

*** "Jackals" are critical/judgmental thoughts that we have of ourselves and others. Also called "inner critic", "critical parent", "the comittee", and other less than complimentary evaluations.

Money for Food - for thought

2008-07-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

I went to main beach in Corona Del Mar on Friday evening for my weekly beach volleyball fix. My son Alex decided to skim board instead. While he was out there, he ran into his friend Robbie, and they traded off skimming on his board. After each volleyball game, I went out to check up on Alex, to make sure everything was ok (contributing to our needs for safety, peace and adventure). On my last trip out to check on him, his friend came up to me and told me that "they were hungry," "that they didn't have any money," and "do you have any money?"

I was surprised at the directness of his request. My jackals were telling me "how could he do this?" "it's rude and not proper!" I tried some "lame" empathy, "so you are hungry and don't have any money?" He said "yeah! Alex and I are hungry -- do you have any money?" This time, Alex yelled out from his skimming: "Dad, we're hungry! Can we have some money to buy food at the new beach restaurant?"

So, I answered "yes, I have some money," and walked away. I was feeling annoyed because I was wanting autonomy and I was hearing a demand. As I walked back to the volleyball court, I thought about my need for autonomy and their need for food, and how I might contribute to getting all of our needs met.

It was clear to me that indeed they were hungry (and it wasn't just some kid trying to "scam some money"), as now Alex joined the chorus. Robbie walked off a bit, and I had a chance to ask Alex how much he needed -- he said he didn't know because the restaurant was new.

I gave Alex $5. He ran off with Robbie and they discovered that prices were higher than they expected. But they bought an ice-cream treat and shared it. I didn't see Robbie after that, and Alex eventually came back telling me he was still hungry and wanted to buy fried cheese sticks for $4.50. I told him he could have another $5 if he gave me a couple -- he said yes. So, I got to taste the cold cheese sticks with BBQ sauce, and celebrated how great they tasted as I too was getting hungry.

After dinner, I began to think about my internal conversation regarding "my money", someone else's need for sustenance, and decided this was a topic worth writing about.

What would you do if someone asked for money to buy food? What do you do, and what is the conversation that you have with yourself and with the other person? How do you balance your need for autonomy with someone else's need to eat?

Baseball!

2008-07-07T07:31:00.000-07:00

I had some friends over on Friday to celebrate our day of independence. A friend gave me 4 tickets to a ball game the next day, and we jumped on 'em. They were great tickets down the first base line, we were free that evening, and the tickets were free. Got to the stadium, and my son and I started advertising for the 4th ticket. "Extra ticket!" "Extra ticket!" No takers. Then we said "Free Ticket!", "Free Ticket!" -- and a family of 5 that was converging to the stadium with us told us that they were looking for a ticket. I said "great, here you go." The mom said, "well, would you like some money for it?" "You, know; to buy a drink or something?" "We were going to buy a ticket anyway." I said "sure, that would be great". "Give me whatever you want." So, she called up her husband, who was 10 feet in front of us by now, practically running for the gate. "Honey, give this man some money!," she said. I wish I had my camera ready - the look on his face said something like "are you nuts?" "we scored a free ticket here!" "you want to give this guy money?". I smiled, and repeated my earlier sentiment. "It's ok, just give me whatever you want." The guy was definitely struggling with the amount -- the "vibe" between us was totally different than with the woman, so, I said, "ok, how about 10 bucks?" After a few strained moments in his wallet, he pulled out several green sheets of paper money and handed them over. And so it was.

At this point, I was actually ahead $2 because parking was $8. But, hey -- getting paid $2 to take your son and mother to a ball game ain't bad. Of course, as a captured audience, we bought food, drinks and snacks at outrageous prices (bratwurst 7, pizza 9, two frozen lemonades 10, cotton candy 4, snuck in bottled water 0).

We had a great time. My son and I had our mitts on and wanted to catch a foul ball. Actually, I think I wanted to catch a ball more than he did. I wore my mitt religiously throughout the game. I think Alex wore his till the 5th inning, and then focused on eating. There's something special about baseball for us. Alex loves to play it, wear the uniform, and imagine that he's out there on the field playing ball -- making the play that saves the game, or hitting the winning home run. I used imagine myself being out on the field too, but this time, I just enjoyed being there. Something about the green grass, the smell of leather from my glove, the bright lights above, my son and mom getting along for the moment, and the crowd of cheering fans all around us -- and "I" was one of "us". I love baseball, and the constitution that made it possible. It meets my needs for freedom.

Dancing Jackals Away

2008-06-22T12:07:00.000-07:00

Two Saturdays ago, I was invited to go dancing and was surprised at my experience. The dance form is whatever I wanted it to be; a free-style improvisation based on whatever I wanted to express through movement -- synchronized in any way I wanted. I was thrilled to experience this freedom of movement, self- and other-acceptance, and self-expression while having fun. I was intrigued, so I went back again yesterday. I realized that this type of dancing went beyond just having fun. As I continued dancing, I realized that I was experiencing a deeper joy as my needs for community, shared-experience and healing were met. Healing? I was surprised by the last one -- healing (i.e. growth, learning).

My experience is that through dance, the jackals*** have little recourse but to show themselves, providing a unique opportunity for healing -- somehow transforming them so that they don't control me. Of course, the first step towards healing is to become aware of the thought -- to observe the jackal and to hear what it is saying. Here's a short list of some of my jackals that came up during different times:

* "What am I doing, I look stupid doing this?"
* "I don't know how to dance."
* "Do I fit in here? Am I doing it right?"
* "I'm not wearing the right clothes. I need wilder more edgy ones."
* "That's bizzare! What are those people doing on the floor gazing in each other's eyes barely touching each other?"
* "Those men are in a circle breathing intentionally louder. Weird."

So, traditional NVC would suggest several rounds of empathy for each jackal thought (i.e. listening for possible feelings and needs). For instance, "Jackal, are you feeling anxious because you are wanting acceptance?" But my experience was that through dance, as so many of my needs were getting met, that the jackals had no power over me. As the critical thoughts came up, I'd hear them, smiled and I just kept dancing. It seemed as though, the needs themselves took care of the jackals with little effort of my own. Or maybe, given my pre-disposition to value my needs as divine gifts from a loving creator that I fully embrace and celebrate, that the jackals have no power over me? It seemed to me that the jackals were trying to "steal" the experience of the moment away from me; but as I celebrated the beauty of my life experience in the moment of dancing, that something that transcended me took care of the jackals and gave me the ability to live life to its fullest -- at least in the moment.

There were times when I looked around the room and smiled widely, as I thought of King David in ancient times dancing in ways that I am guessing were similar to the dancing going on in that room. And that he, like us were celebrating the gift of life and feeling deeply grateful, worshipful. This gift from a loving God that wants us to live a life of abundance, as that life, love and spirit comes alive within me --> It really makes me want to DANCE!!!

*** Jackals are critical/judgmental thoughts directed inwardly towards ourselves, or outwardly towards others.

Manhattan Spaces

2008-06-17T09:22:00.000-07:00

I recently spent three weeks on a work project near Manhattan New York. My work surrounded me with computers, cables and boxes. When things reached a point when I needed a break, I'd go for a short walk to a place with a window facing outside, and I'd seek out a tree that was clearly visible from the hallway. As I gazed upon it, I felt a quiet joy as I looked to this tree, as it reminded me of life outside of the cage.

By the time the weekend rolled around, I really needed to get out of my room, so I went to the various park spaces in Manhattan. I did a lot of walking from place to place over three weekends, only taking the subway twice after my feet told me they'd had enough -- an I listened.

I was struck by the beauty hidden in the midst of a large city, as if city planners knew what people needed to live surrounded by sky scrapers, traffic jams, and lots of other people. The parks are spread throughout the city, and teemed with life of all kinds. Most notably, trees and humans. I had fun watching and enjoying both. I noticed that a large majority of people showed regard to each other through giving each person their space to be (of course there were a few exceptions of people with microphones and audio amplifiers who seemed to want to contribute some information they considered important to anyone within audio range -- I felt annoyed as I was wanting peace, regard and freedom to have my own experience, thoughts and feelings).

I observed many people just sitting, alone and in silence, staring forward with eye-lids frozen just a few feet away from another person doing the same - and I saw it over and over again. These people could have been resting, praying, meditating, thinking, composing, planning, observing, or just plain old being; there's no way to know unless I asked them, but I chose to show the same regard that each person seemed to be offering the other, and let them be. The silence of these people stimulated my own curiosity, which I am expressing here. It felt as though the silence made a sound which I thought I heard. There were others reading, and others sunbathing. I was surprised to find an outdoor library in the park under the shade of a bunch of trees -- way cool!

The trees seem to be the center-pieces for creating livable space within the parks, providing shade, oxygen and something ethereal -- like they know they are there for a reason, standing tall, strong at the base and yet loosely flowing on top; their green color inspiring life, protection and comfort. I imagined that they were witnessing everything around them and hoping that we choose connection instead of separation, compassion instead of violence, empathy before honesty...

I also observed small groups of people sitting together talking, playing chess, playing in a water fountain, singing in groups, dancing individually around others that were standing still. I enjoyed a sense of community, as there were people of all ethnic groups sharing space in the parks and showing regard for each other. I felt hopeful that WE could similarly get along in other parts of the country and in other parts of the world.

Overall, I enjoyed my hikes through Manhattan, but three weeks away from home is a long time. I am glad to be back in my own space with a view of trees, hills and sky, with my potted plants, my own bed and pillows. I am slowly reconnecting with people I haven't seen in a while. Its nice to be home; there's no place like it!