NVC stands for Nonviolent Communication, which was developed by Marshall Rosenberg. NVC inspires a natural compassion for all involved by developing awareness in Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests, or OFNR. As we connect to each other’s hearts, by acknowledging each other’s needs, we are more likely to find strategies that serve everyone involved. OFNR is used in empathy and honest expression. NVC slows down a conversation--i.e. NVC seems to take longer than conventional speech, which typically just has a judgment and a demand.
2. My relationship is in trouble. Can NVC help?
NVC can help you relate to others by helping you to get clear with your own feelings and needs. From this place of self-awareness, a natural compassion is usually felt, enabling you to connect with others.
3. What are some key NVC insights?
Here are a few insights that I've learned along the way:
- I find it helpful to think of any conversation starting with my intention--what needs are alive for me right now.
- If my intention is to connect with someone, I find it helpful to let go of thinking in terms of "right" and "wrong." Thinking of relationships in terms of "more-effective" or "less-effective" in meeting needs, more directly contributes to learning and opens the door to connection.
- "Every judgment is a tragic expression of an unmet need." -- Marshall Rosenberg
- I'm not responsible for other people's judgments, observations, feelings, needs and requests (J-OFNR). I don't have the necessary visibility into your internal life (even if I wanted to be responsible--not recommended as it is not realistic). If I'm curious, I can ask for clarification, or for you to tell me what's going on. I am responsible for my own J-OFNRs. I get clear with my own stuff through the process of "self-empathy."
- Others may stimulate feelings or judgments in me, but they are not the cause.
Similarly, I may stimulate your feelings or judgments, but I am not
their cause. Blaming someone else for our feelings does not contribute
to self-connection or connecting with others.
- Mutual responsiblity, where each person owns their internal
J-OFNRs, is a vital ingredient of a mutually satisfying and happy
relationship. This is especially important in intimate relationships.
- The process of self-empathy, where I explore my own judgments,
observations, feelings, needs and requests, helps me to connect with
myself (my mind has an understanding of my heart and is thus
integrated). As I become self-connected, I begin to feel a natural
compassion and curiosity toward others; I am present in the now.
- Self-connection is needed to connect with others, as it is hard to offer something you do not have yourself.
- Many people interpret honest expression as a judgment, which is why a reflecting request is so important.
Unexpressed honesty creates internal resentment, leading to anger and
some form of violence along the way. At the same time, I have found
that connections are more successful when I start with empathetic
listening.
4. How do I start to learn NVC?
Different people learn differently. Here are some ideas for first steps:
- Go to an NVC workshop or practice group
- Contact an NVC facilitator
- Buy an NVC book and read it
- Join an NVC practice group
5. How long does it take to learn NVC?
Learning NVC takes time because we also have to unlearn old habits. Please be patient with yourself and continue the journey of growth, awareness and practice. I like to think of NVC as a "discipline of love in conversation" which is part of my spiritual practice (i.e. it is a life long process of growth).
6. I tried NVC on someone but it didn't work. Why?
While NVC supports mutual understanding, it is not a formula or a technique to be applied on others to get a result. Letting go of the outcome for the sake of connection is encouraged. When beginning NVC, it's best to apply the principles to oneself while letting go of expectations of results.
7. Does NVC require that both people know it?
While a conversation can be easier when both people practice NVC,
having only one person holding the intention to connect is usually
enough. Staying self-connected can help anyone to connect with someone
else.