Balancing Empathy and Honesty

I have recently come to appreciate the importance of balancing empathy and honesty*. I seem to be pre-disposed to offering empathy due to my upbringing. I suppose that its a good thing to start with empathy because it seems to lead to a connection more frequently than when I start with honesty (especially when I express my honesty with judgment, blame and criticism).

* Empathy is listening for the feelings and needs of another person -- sometimes asking if our guesses are correct.
Honesty is expressing our own observations, feelings and needs (using "I" statements) -- after having listened internally to what's happening for ourselves (i.e. giving ourselves empathy).

I have come to realize that I sometimes experience anxiety at giving honesty out of a belief (things that I tell myself are true) that if I am honest, that other needs like connection, intimacy and closeness will go unmet. While those needs could go unment after expressing my honesty (and they did for a portion of my childhood), I had made a "cause-effect hypothesis" binding me to believe that the outcome of honesty meant emotional distance.

It has been interesting for me to note that as an adult, I was participating in relationships which sustained this pattern, that while it really wasn't meeting my needs for connection and intimacy in a consistent way, that the pattern itself was comfortable in its predictability. I couldn't see my role because I was in it -- like being inside a box and not knowing it.

So, in the past, my strategy was to suppress my honesty in an effort to influence the possibility of continuing to get these needs met -- I describe it now as "an effort to buy love." I found that as a result, this strategy generated resentment leading to anger which accumulated inside waiting for the opportunity to come out. And when it did, I made sure that the people closest to me paid a price. Ouch!

So, the cycle** appears to be:
1. propensity to give empathy without honesty (i.e. meeting the needs of others at the expense of my own)
2. external action on my part that is not consistent with my internal heart (i.e. done out of duty, obligation or to buy love)
3. internal resentment leads to accumulating anger
4. act of violence where others are made to pay a price
5. feelings of guilt and shame
6. repeat the cycle in an endless loop of insanity

As I became aware of the pattern by listening to my internal world, I am better able to make requests of myself to make different choices. These days, I am hearing my need for honesty, and also hearing the anxiety of loosing connection with those closest to me. After hearing my own truth, I am making requests of myself leading to different choices; especially expressing my honesty in ways that have the possibility of connection at the end.

Expressing my honesty with "I" statements, ending with a clear and present request to the other person: "I observe that ______ . I'm feeling ______ because I'm needing ______ . Would you be willing to ______ ?"

I have learned that "letting go of the outcome" is vital to my sanity, makes connections more likely, and it allows me to be open to abundant possibilities that come to life. I feel hope, delight and passion as it meets my needs for freedom to express my truth, balanced with the grace of empathy.

That freedom is something that I like to celebrate. It brings me joy to invite others into having this kind of conversation, as it meets my needs for contribution, connection and meaning.

I feel even more inspired as I remember what Yeshua said, "If you follow my teaching, then you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free."

** I am indebted to Jim and Jori Manske for pointing out this general pattern at the December 07 IIT.

In The Beginning

Every now and then, I go back to reading a collection of books which inspire me. I was preparing for a workshop, and thinking of ways of laying the foundation for communicating compassionately, and I thought of the creation story of the book of Genesis.

I was surprised at what I found, as it beautifully captured the spirit of what I was trying to say. I encourage you to listen for the heart behind the words (i.e in NVC circles, the invitation is to "put on your giraffe ears" – to hear the feelings and needs being expressed).

This is just my experience -- what I hear when I read them. You, of course, may have a completely different experience. I added “italics” to words that have special significance, to be recalled later.

1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

· I hear a separateness that is longing for unity and communion. I am curious as to why...

2 The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters.

· I experience a longing for form and fullness.

· I hear the "darkness" calling for light.

· I hear a spirit of adventure, an enjoyment of what is currently there - earth and water - this formless and empty space which hungers for something to fill it.

3 Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.

· Part of the longing for fullness comes from this new "light".

· This light can also be a metaphor for knowledge, related to the Greek “Logos”

4a And God saw that the light was good.

· The heart of God experienced something like joy at its creation; maybe it’s more of a statement of celebration, acknowledgment of the unique value of "light" as opposed to "darkness."

4b Then he separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light "day" and the darkness "night." And evening passed and morning came, marking the first day.

· As the darkness and light were separated, a pattern of things to come was being acknowledged; perhaps it could be called “balance”?

6 Then God said, “Let there be a space between the waters, to separate the waters of the heavens from the waters of the earth.” 7 And that is what happened. God made this space to separate the waters of the earth from the waters of the heavens. 8 God called the space “sky.”

· Space was created, to bring separation and opportunity for different things to happen within each. The beginning of abundance came to be. The longing for fullness, form and connection continues...

9 Then God said, “Let the waters beneath the sky flow together into one place, so dry ground may appear.” And that is what happened.

10 God called the dry ground “land” and the waters “seas.” And God saw that it was good.

11 Then God said, “Let the land sprout with vegetation—every sort of seed-bearing plant, and trees that grow seed-bearing fruit. These seeds will then produce the kinds of plants and trees from which they came.” And that is what happened. 12 The land produced vegetation—all sorts of seed-bearing plants, and trees with seed-bearing fruit. Their seeds produced plants and trees of the same kind. And God saw that it was good.

· I hear an abundance of food to provide nourishment, and safety that there is plenty to eat.

· I also continue to hear the celebration of what is coming to be, almost an expectation or longing to be shared with something that doesn’t exist yet, but that will be able to fully enjoy the gifts. This new creation is to live within the beauty of these gifts and to fully participate in parts of the creative process.

27 So God created human beings in his own image.
In the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.

· I hear a type of relationship being born, as human beings were created with two sides to each other – sides which God has within itself. These two sides, male and female are part of the relationship that is within us.

· These are parts of the foundation for conversations for us to have, which are part of the nature of God. These two parts of ourselves which are separate, but which dance together to form the whole of our being, bringing balance into different qualities of our nature.

2:7 Then the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man’s nostrils, and the man became a living person.

· I hear Life, Balance, and Harmony being born.

· I am grateful for the life that is within me.

2:9 The Lord God made all sorts of trees grow up from the ground—trees that were beautiful and that produced delicious fruit.

· I hear Life, Beauty, Nourishment and Celebration again

2:16 “You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden”

· Freedom, Nourishment

17 Except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die.”

· I hear the birth of Respect, Consideration, Integrity and Learning

· And the warning that if we eat from this tree, that we will be under the delusion that we know what is “good and evil” – that we will use this knowledge against others and ourselves in the belief that “we know better”.

· We will use this knowledge to create separation between each other, and sometimes this knowledge will be turned against ourselves. We will turn into judges and evaluate all in terms of what we think we understand to be “good and evil”, and it will tear us apart. If you eat from this tree, the spell will remain hidden within you, because it will become part of you, and it will bind you to its fruit. Beware of the fruit from this tree, for your own good!

18 “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”

· The Greek “Ezer Kenegdo” when compared to other uses of the word, can be translated into something more like “warrior companion”, and “rescuer” than “helper”

· I hear the birth of Companionship, Mutual Regard, Help, Service and Contribution

1:31 Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!

· I hear Celebration, Beauty and Meaning.

The words in “italics” above are what we call “needs”. We all have them. They have been described as “life’s energy in us seeking fulfillment.” They are gifts that give us life. They are not in conflict with each other because the source is divine, which I call “God”. They are built into the fabric of who we are, making us distinctly different from non-living things (e.g. chairs, tables, doormats). Needs are much like instruments in a symphony, and feelings are the music (telling us if and how well our needs are being met or not being met). Not all instruments are making a sound all the time, but we all have the full orchestra of needs. The appearance of conflict happens as different people have different instruments playing, and are not able to hear the other person’s music.

It is through an openness to hear the gifts of needs in ourselves and in others that understanding can take place through conversation. When two or more people are able to hear what’s alive in each other, and a common understanding is achieved, then a spirit of harmony comes alive within a dance of empathy and honesty. But this story is told much later in the collection of books, though truly, it was alive already in the form of “Logos” – the conversation.

What would it be like to bring these gifts into our conversations? How do you think your relationships would change if you were able to bring in this energy, this heart?

I’d enjoy hearing if any of this brings up anything in you.