Dancing Jackals Away

Two Saturdays ago, I was invited to go dancing and was surprised at my experience. The dance form is whatever I wanted it to be; a free-style improvisation based on whatever I wanted to express through movement -- synchronized in any way I wanted. I was thrilled to experience this freedom of movement, self- and other-acceptance, and self-expression while having fun. I was intrigued, so I went back again yesterday. I realized that this type of dancing went beyond just having fun. As I continued dancing, I realized that I was experiencing a deeper joy as my needs for community, shared-experience and healing were met. Healing? I was surprised by the last one -- healing (i.e. growth, learning).

My experience is that through dance, the jackals*** have little recourse but to show themselves, providing a unique opportunity for healing -- somehow transforming them so that they don't control me. Of course, the first step towards healing is to become aware of the thought -- to observe the jackal and to hear what it is saying. Here's a short list of some of my jackals that came up during different times:

* "What am I doing, I look stupid doing this?"
* "I don't know how to dance."
* "Do I fit in here? Am I doing it right?"
* "I'm not wearing the right clothes. I need wilder more edgy ones."
* "That's bizzare! What are those people doing on the floor gazing in each other's eyes barely touching each other?"
* "Those men are in a circle breathing intentionally louder. Weird."

So, traditional NVC would suggest several rounds of empathy for each jackal thought (i.e. listening for possible feelings and needs). For instance, "Jackal, are you feeling anxious because you are wanting acceptance?" But my experience was that through dance, as so many of my needs were getting met, that the jackals had no power over me. As the critical thoughts came up, I'd hear them, smiled and I just kept dancing. It seemed as though, the needs themselves took care of the jackals with little effort of my own. Or maybe, given my pre-disposition to value my needs as divine gifts from a loving creator that I fully embrace and celebrate, that the jackals have no power over me? It seemed to me that the jackals were trying to "steal" the experience of the moment away from me; but as I celebrated the beauty of my life experience in the moment of dancing, that something that transcended me took care of the jackals and gave me the ability to live life to its fullest -- at least in the moment.

There were times when I looked around the room and smiled widely, as I thought of King David in ancient times dancing in ways that I am guessing were similar to the dancing going on in that room. And that he, like us were celebrating the gift of life and feeling deeply grateful, worshipful. This gift from a loving God that wants us to live a life of abundance, as that life, love and spirit comes alive within me --> It really makes me want to DANCE!!!


*** Jackals are critical/judgmental thoughts directed inwardly towards ourselves, or outwardly towards others.

Manhattan Spaces

I recently spent three weeks on a work project near Manhattan New York. My work surrounded me with computers, cables and boxes. When things reached a point when I needed a break, I'd go for a short walk to a place with a window facing outside, and I'd seek out a tree that was clearly visible from the hallway. As I gazed upon it, I felt a quiet joy as I looked to this tree, as it reminded me of life outside of the cage.

By the time the weekend rolled around, I really needed to get out of my room, so I went to the various park spaces in Manhattan. I did a lot of walking from place to place over three weekends, only taking the subway twice after my feet told me they'd had enough -- an I listened.

I was struck by the beauty hidden in the midst of a large city, as if city planners knew what people needed to live surrounded by sky scrapers, traffic jams, and lots of other people. The parks are spread throughout the city, and teemed with life of all kinds. Most notably, trees and humans. I had fun watching and enjoying both. I noticed that a large majority of people showed regard to each other through giving each person their space to be (of course there were a few exceptions of people with microphones and audio amplifiers who seemed to want to contribute some information they considered important to anyone within audio range -- I felt annoyed as I was wanting peace, regard and freedom to have my own experience, thoughts and feelings).

I observed many people just sitting, alone and in silence, staring forward with eye-lids frozen just a few feet away from another person doing the same - and I saw it over and over again. These people could have been resting, praying, meditating, thinking, composing, planning, observing, or just plain old being; there's no way to know unless I asked them, but I chose to show the same regard that each person seemed to be offering the other, and let them be. The silence of these people stimulated my own curiosity, which I am expressing here. It felt as though the silence made a sound which I thought I heard. There were others reading, and others sunbathing. I was surprised to find an outdoor library in the park under the shade of a bunch of trees -- way cool!

The trees seem to be the center-pieces for creating livable space within the parks, providing shade, oxygen and something ethereal -- like they know they are there for a reason, standing tall, strong at the base and yet loosely flowing on top; their green color inspiring life, protection and comfort. I imagined that they were witnessing everything around them and hoping that we choose connection instead of separation, compassion instead of violence, empathy before honesty...

I also observed small groups of people sitting together talking, playing chess, playing in a water fountain, singing in groups, dancing individually around others that were standing still. I enjoyed a sense of community, as there were people of all ethnic groups sharing space in the parks and showing regard for each other. I felt hopeful that WE could similarly get along in other parts of the country and in other parts of the world.

Overall, I enjoyed my hikes through Manhattan, but three weeks away from home is a long time. I am glad to be back in my own space with a view of trees, hills and sky, with my potted plants, my own bed and pillows. I am slowly reconnecting with people I haven't seen in a while. Its nice to be home; there's no place like it!

Stroll Through Manhattan

I went for a long walk through Manhattan last Sunday. I was more excited to go this time (no anxiety), as I was better prepared than in my first adventure. I had my backpack, with plenty of water, emergency granola, an apple, extra cash, jacket, rain gear, a map and a compass. I had a clearer idea of the transportation options and the terrain. On the bus on the way there, I remember smiling at the thought that going to New York wasn't much different than backpacking in the mountains -- just with more people, less nature and much more noise.

In my first trek, I hiked from the NJ Port Authority to the United Nations (from 8th Ave to 1st Ave on 42nd street) , where I felt inspired by the artwork and vision portrayed in the lobby. I wasn't able to see the council chambers since the tours were closed on Sundays, but I managed a few photos and souveners.

My second trek led me to buy tickets to SPAMalot at the Shubert Theatre. It was just the kind of witty off-color humor I needed after a long work week in technology land. Here I met an arts student from Los Angeles; what a small world.

My favorite spontaneous adventure was strolling through Bryant Park, and sitting down in a chair under a tree for a while -- reading, thinking, watching people going about their park experience, and just generally being there soaking it all up (I like doing this kind of thing when I travel). I happened to sit in a table diagonally across a walkway from three New York women (or so I guessed from their laptops, books and relaxed manner). I had noticed them before, but was intrigued to see that one of them was showing off her "new" tatoo to her other friends -- I was pleasantly distracted from my phone conversation with Craig (I wish I would have told him sooner).

As time went by, I noticed they were reading a book by one of the story tellers I blogged about last time, and I had the urge to strike up a conversation with them. But something was holding me back! My darn "jackals**" were keeping me from connecting with these gals. They were saying things like "you will disturb their time at the park", "who are you to approach three gals in a park?" -- I was feeling anxious because I was wanting connection and acceptance, and these critical thoughts kept me from approaching them. I think that a part of me was also feeling anxious as I was wanting more comfort and safety of knowing the social "vibe" of the park. And I had this debate with myself long enough that it got to be time to go to the play, which started at 7 PM. I got up from my table to go to the bathroom, and came back to notice they were gone. Darn! Now I have to live with the regret of not at least trying. It may sound weird, but I secretly hope one of them will Google "Bryant Park" and find this... But more likely, I will feel sad and frustrated, which may provide the motivation to continue my jackal** inventory work!

But just in case, if you see this, please shoot me an email, would ya?
Warmly,
James

** Jackals are critical thoughts that steal life and opportunity.