The Gift of Story

I've been travelling a bit lately -- to New Jersey, New York, Texas, and then back home to Southern California. I've met quite a few people from all over the world. In Jersey, I met a man from Ghana Africa. He told me of the village that he grew up in, how they used to gather during a full moon to tell stories. People would take turns telling their story while everyone else listened -- while giving regard to the speaker and their message. Someone might want to contribute a song related to the story, raise their hand, and the speaker would decide to allow it or not.

Two weekends ago, in Houston, I attended a large weekly gathering of people with my son Alex, his mother and step father. It really felt like a global village, as there were people of all different colors: black, brown, white, olive. We sang together, I got to shake hands with a few new people, put my arm around Alex's shoulder, sang and listened. Most of the people seemed to be there to celebrate the gift of love, to listen to stories for the purpose of learning, improving their lives, and contributing to the lives of others.

Last weekend, I went white-water rafting in the Kern River, and again, I was struck at how often I noticed how we tell stories to each other. I noticed that in each case, when we as a group gave enough space to the speaker, that the speaker's heart and mind was fully engaged in telling their story, and in sharing the wisdom that they had discovered through study and life.

And so, I was reminded of the beauty of story telling, and how important of a role that it plays in my life -- in our lives -- and how much fun I am having in hearing and celebrating the need to contribute to the wellbeing of others. And sometimes I learn something to help me in my own journey.

It reminds me of the time that my mother decided to celebrate Christmas in July by reading me a story called "The Gift of Story" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. We sat on her deck in Kansas City, and she wanted to share with me a parable about what is enough. I remember that it was a sunny day, the flowers were in full bloom, and I could smell the aroma of freshly cut grass. I could hear lots of different types of birds singing, and I heard the voice of my mother read the story to me. I remember how soothing and calming it felt. I remember that every now and then, her voice would quiver as the stories within a story came to be, almost like a seed sprouting to life. I also remember feeling my throat tighten a bit, as I discovered the wisdom that had been passed on from generation to generation through the story. As she finished, I remember crying tears of joy and tears of sadness all in one breath, and sharing that moment with my mother. I remember feeling grateful as I learned something about what is enough, but especially feeling joy as my she cared enough to read to me -- and to pass on a gift of wisdom through her love.

I enjoyed it so much that a few months later, when the December rolled around, I told the story of my mother celebrating Christmas in July by reading a parable on what is enough. I remember that all seven of us men were gathered at Craig's house, and we had a fire going in the fireplace...

Conflict in Union Square - Manhattan New York

I spent the day walking through Manhattan. On my way to get in line for "rush tickets" for a performance named "Fuerza Bruta" (translated "brute force" from Spanish) on Broadway near Union Square, in ran into what appeared to be a conflict between two men. I heard them speaking to each other in voices louder than I am comfortable with, observing their mouths to be open wider than I am used to seeing, with each person closer to each other than I would be comfortable with in a conversation with a stranger, and I observed each one use their hands to point at the other person (observation*). I took several pictures to share what I saw in this blog. As their "loud" conversation progressed (evaluation*), I saw more and more people gather around them to watch. This "argument" went on for several minutes, and did not seem to get resolved (evaluation*). I was guessing that both people were feeling angry as they were wanting understanding from the other person (empathy). After a while, I observed the younger man walk away from the older man, and I took the opportunity to talk with each side of the debate.

* In NVC its important to differentiate observation from evaluation.

Here's what I heard from a companion of the man with the grey hair. Their group had been meeting in the square for several years to express their concern for how the money from their country -- the US -- was being used to "oppress" the Palestinian people. I heard them tell me that they were also concerned for the well-being of the Palestinians, as they are wanting freedom, education, and a better life for them. One of them told me that they were afraid to express themselves even in this country, as it seemed "politically incorrect" to question the US policy towards Israel and the Palestinians -- they were wanting to be heard, and they were wanting safety as they expressed themselves.

After I thought I understood this side of the issue, I approached the younger man in blue as he was sitting on a fence about 20 feet away from the other group. I said something like "excuse me; I heard you talking loudly to the other man over there." "Would you be willing to tell me what you were trying to tell him?" He and his friend seemed excited to tell me their side, and proceeded to tell me that they had lived in Israel, and that they were concerned for the safety and survival of their country. They were concerned that the Palestinians were not speaking with one voice, and they were wanting more integrity, consistency -- and they were also wanting peace in their country. I specifically asked them if they cared about the well-being of the Palestinians, and they said "yes" -- that both of them had friends that were Arab, and one of them was dating a woman who was Muslim.

I asked these men if they wanted to know why I was talking to them, and proceeded to tell them about nonviolent communication (NVC), how I was wanting to contribute to Peace, and how they might be able to have more effective dialogs in the future -- getting their point across, while maintaining a connection with the other person. The man in blue said he would check out my website (please comment if you read this). I wish I would have taken a picture of my new Israeli friends, but at least we were able to end the conversation with a feeling of brotherhood and a hope for peace.

By the time I had finished talking to the second group, the first group had decided to pack up and leave. I approached my earlier contact from the first group, and they told me that they were tired and wanted to go home. I hadn't really planned this, but I was willing to mediate the conflict.

I AM OVERSIMPLIFYING WHAT I HEARD. The truth is that I heard a lot of criticism and judgment from both sides, and the first group was very vocal about some strategies that they felt were important to their cause. They had many pictures to make their point.

I chose to express what I heard through my "NVC giraffe ears" (hearing feelings and needs) here to make a point. Yes, this is an oversimplification of the issues, but I believe each side's feelings and needs to be the start of an important dialog. That conversations are more likely to succeed when the truth of feelings and needs of each side are expressed. It is through this truth that freedom and abundance can be experienced.

I was unable to get a ticket for the "Fuerza Bruta" performance in the theater, but I am now appreciating the irony with what I was expecting to see and what I experienced outside. I am grateful to have witnessed the conflict and to have contributed to some understanding on both sides, however small. I pray that both sides of this "Union Square" conflict be open to hearing the other side, and to express themselves with a regard for the feelings and needs of the other person and of themselves.

I also pray that the parties of the greater conflict to eventually be able to reach mutually satisfying strategies in which the needs of all sides are met, and that peace will become a reality in the Middle East. On that note, I must end with another picture from my day in Manhattan, which I hope speaks for itself.