Yesterday, I met with other giraffes (just a playful name for someone who practices NVC), and in our group interaction, we ran into the challenge of 'believing in a way of life' vs. 'living it' (i.e. when the words do not match the actions or life of the people involved). In this context, my experience is that our group had a little of both aspects present in the group, so we were able to talk about them after one of our participants voiced her concern (i.e. honesty) that her needs for connection were not being met, and she was feeling sad and disappointed.
What happened was a few of us (yes, I was one of them) got excited about some historical cases in which the words expressed or written were confused with the original meaning intended, resulting in lots of violence. As a sample of the dialog, I had just reminded the group of Marshall's quote of "don't confuse the map with the territory." So, in short, the emphasis of that part of the dialog was on thinking and analyzing the intricacies of NVC, and the interactions between people were mostly intellectual. And this was not meeting the needs of one of the participants, and she spoke up (i.e. using NVC by giving her honesty in a way in which she made an observation without judgment, stated her feelings and needs, and made a request of the group). The group responded with empathy, where we listened and echoed back to her what we were hearing in her heart (i.e. her feelings and needs), and then we came up with some strategies in which all of our needs could get met.
So, by her speaking her honesty to the group, she contributed to all of us getting our focus back on living the practice of communicating from the heart through NVC. And we were all happy that she did, and there's a chance that this group of people will meet again. She shared afterwards how scary it was for her to express her honesty, as she was wanting safety and acceptance. I must admit that there are times when giving honesty is also scary for me; I am sure that this topic will come up again.
In making this blog entry, I am excited because this meets my needs for authenticity, contribution and meaning. I have run into this sort of challenge of belief vs. living the belief in other circles. I am curious if anyone else has run into this challenge, and I would also like to know if anything I said stimulated anything in you (if so, please 'comment')?
About
Monday, January 28, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Starting to Build Community
One of my desires is for building community. To help create a "place" where my needs and other people's needs for authenticity, mutuality, acceptance, understanding, learning and connection are met. Not just any group of people will do; I have learned that it really helps if everyone involved is aware, values and desires to have these needs met, without judgment.
Last night, a bunch of my friends got together with the intention of creating community. I suggested that everyone state which needs they were bringing to the group. After each person shared the needs alive for them, each of us listed some ways in which we thought these needs could be met (i.e. we listed our strategies). There were lots of similar needs voiced: to be heard, empathy, celebration and connection, so it wasn't difficult to come up with a strategy that met everyone's needs.
One of the first strategies suggested was to go around the room, and ask each person how their week went, and the group would offer empathy to that person. For example, if I was giving empathy to someone, I would listen for the speaker's feelings and needs and ask them if this is what they were experiencing. It usually took the form of "are you feeling ____ because you are needing ____?". While empathy doesn't have to exactly follow that form, it is a simple way to remember it and apply it.
Another strategy that was suggested was prayer, which is making clear requests to the creator and sometimes to each other, while at the same time celebrating what is alive and good, and inviting others to participate in this celebration. Sometimes, mourning is part of prayer, where we openly express what we are feeling, and we acknowledge the need that wasn't met, but always making a clear request to what is desired. I remember thinking to myself that there is much more abundance in the requests to have needs met than in making requests to have strategies fulfilled.
I was reminded of the similarities between the group prayer and our "Celebrations and Mournings" sessions at the NVC intensive training, which we had every evening after all of the sessions were complete. I recall that this was also a time for people to make clear and present requests to the group for ways in which we could get our needs met, and sometimes strategies were also proposed by the group.
My longing for a place I could call "home" came up last night, as I listened to one of my friends share about her own longing for a safe and enduring place to connect. As I started to give her empathy, I started to feel my own sadness around this issue. She expressed that she was feeling some anxiety at going deeper, and at noticing my sadness, she invited me to share my stuff. I began to talk about my longings for a safe place, in which I could be myself, and be accepted for who I am -- without judgment. I talked about my longings for a place to be heard and understood, a place where I could be creative and contribute to other people's lives in unique ways, and to have my contribution acknowledged and celebrated when needs were met. I talked about my need for deep honesty, in which I could say whatever is in my heart, to have it be listened to without judgment, to help me find the "light" in whatever is going on. I talked about my desire to share my "jackals", and regrets that I have at things that I have done in the past, which I would now do differently, and still be accepted and loved by the group. As I was sharing these things, my eyes watered up a bit and she came to sit next to me. She didn't say anything for a while, but I was sensing from her actions that she felt understood and connected to me. In this case at least, she didn't need to use words. And after a while, neither did I.
I would enjoy knowing if anything I've said here has stimulated anything in you. If so, and it would meet your needs, would you be willing to post a "comment" here to share it?
Last night, a bunch of my friends got together with the intention of creating community. I suggested that everyone state which needs they were bringing to the group. After each person shared the needs alive for them, each of us listed some ways in which we thought these needs could be met (i.e. we listed our strategies). There were lots of similar needs voiced: to be heard, empathy, celebration and connection, so it wasn't difficult to come up with a strategy that met everyone's needs.
One of the first strategies suggested was to go around the room, and ask each person how their week went, and the group would offer empathy to that person. For example, if I was giving empathy to someone, I would listen for the speaker's feelings and needs and ask them if this is what they were experiencing. It usually took the form of "are you feeling ____ because you are needing ____?". While empathy doesn't have to exactly follow that form, it is a simple way to remember it and apply it.
Another strategy that was suggested was prayer, which is making clear requests to the creator and sometimes to each other, while at the same time celebrating what is alive and good, and inviting others to participate in this celebration. Sometimes, mourning is part of prayer, where we openly express what we are feeling, and we acknowledge the need that wasn't met, but always making a clear request to what is desired. I remember thinking to myself that there is much more abundance in the requests to have needs met than in making requests to have strategies fulfilled.
I was reminded of the similarities between the group prayer and our "Celebrations and Mournings" sessions at the NVC intensive training, which we had every evening after all of the sessions were complete. I recall that this was also a time for people to make clear and present requests to the group for ways in which we could get our needs met, and sometimes strategies were also proposed by the group.
My longing for a place I could call "home" came up last night, as I listened to one of my friends share about her own longing for a safe and enduring place to connect. As I started to give her empathy, I started to feel my own sadness around this issue. She expressed that she was feeling some anxiety at going deeper, and at noticing my sadness, she invited me to share my stuff. I began to talk about my longings for a safe place, in which I could be myself, and be accepted for who I am -- without judgment. I talked about my longings for a place to be heard and understood, a place where I could be creative and contribute to other people's lives in unique ways, and to have my contribution acknowledged and celebrated when needs were met. I talked about my need for deep honesty, in which I could say whatever is in my heart, to have it be listened to without judgment, to help me find the "light" in whatever is going on. I talked about my desire to share my "jackals", and regrets that I have at things that I have done in the past, which I would now do differently, and still be accepted and loved by the group. As I was sharing these things, my eyes watered up a bit and she came to sit next to me. She didn't say anything for a while, but I was sensing from her actions that she felt understood and connected to me. In this case at least, she didn't need to use words. And after a while, neither did I.
I would enjoy knowing if anything I've said here has stimulated anything in you. If so, and it would meet your needs, would you be willing to post a "comment" here to share it?
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Getting Started
"Hello World!"
This is what I usually create in my other world of software engineering with any new application I develop. This is my first post for this blog, and so it seems appropriate. I woke up this morning around 5 AM, and could not fall back asleep, so I got out of bed and went for a long walk. It was still dark outside. The first thing I noticed to my right was a very large and bright full moon, which made the street and buildings around me glow with a soft cool glimmer of light. I also noticed how calm everything was, and how much cleaner the air felt on my face. I didn't really know where I was going, nor how far I was going to walk -- I just felt the urge to do it. So, I did. I was happy to be walking so early, as I've been wanting more exercise, fresh air, and some freedom from the daily routine. It was a meditative experience, as my mind is focused on putting one foot after the other, and making sure I don't get run over by cars, it stayed focused on doing the walking and keeping me safe. So, with my mind busy, the rest of me could relax and enjoy the experience of exploring the morning, and soaking in all of the beauty in my neighborhood.
I've been excited about this new relational technology I've found called "non-violent communications" or NVC by Marshall Rosenberg. I am searching for ways to live it and share it, while experiencing a more authentic and satisfying connection with people.
I am eager to get more involved in this compassionate relating, and yet still, I have a day job that takes care of my needs for financial support. I am also feeling anxious about spending more time and energy here, as I am wanting more clarity for how to proceed next. Creating this blog is one of the first steps I am taking today.
I am a little frustrated with this user interface, as I am wanting more ease of use, flexibility and clarity on how to display what I want. I don't even know if this is what I want to say here, but here it is -- plain and simple. I guess this is enough ramblings for the moment. I am grateful to be in this place, as I've finally found my voice, and my needs for meaning and contribution are being met at the moment. So long for now.
Best Regards,
James
This is what I usually create in my other world of software engineering with any new application I develop. This is my first post for this blog, and so it seems appropriate. I woke up this morning around 5 AM, and could not fall back asleep, so I got out of bed and went for a long walk. It was still dark outside. The first thing I noticed to my right was a very large and bright full moon, which made the street and buildings around me glow with a soft cool glimmer of light. I also noticed how calm everything was, and how much cleaner the air felt on my face. I didn't really know where I was going, nor how far I was going to walk -- I just felt the urge to do it. So, I did. I was happy to be walking so early, as I've been wanting more exercise, fresh air, and some freedom from the daily routine. It was a meditative experience, as my mind is focused on putting one foot after the other, and making sure I don't get run over by cars, it stayed focused on doing the walking and keeping me safe. So, with my mind busy, the rest of me could relax and enjoy the experience of exploring the morning, and soaking in all of the beauty in my neighborhood.
I've been excited about this new relational technology I've found called "non-violent communications" or NVC by Marshall Rosenberg. I am searching for ways to live it and share it, while experiencing a more authentic and satisfying connection with people.
I am eager to get more involved in this compassionate relating, and yet still, I have a day job that takes care of my needs for financial support. I am also feeling anxious about spending more time and energy here, as I am wanting more clarity for how to proceed next. Creating this blog is one of the first steps I am taking today.
I am a little frustrated with this user interface, as I am wanting more ease of use, flexibility and clarity on how to display what I want. I don't even know if this is what I want to say here, but here it is -- plain and simple. I guess this is enough ramblings for the moment. I am grateful to be in this place, as I've finally found my voice, and my needs for meaning and contribution are being met at the moment. So long for now.
Best Regards,
James
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