Balancing Empathy and Honesty

I have recently come to appreciate the importance of balancing empathy and honesty*. I seem to be pre-disposed to offering empathy due to my upbringing. I suppose that its a good thing to start with empathy because it seems to lead to a connection more frequently than when I start with honesty (especially when I express my honesty with judgment, blame and criticism).

* Empathy is listening for the feelings and needs of another person -- sometimes asking if our guesses are correct.
Honesty is expressing our own observations, feelings and needs (using "I" statements) -- after having listened internally to what's happening for ourselves (i.e. giving ourselves empathy).

I have come to realize that I sometimes experience anxiety at giving honesty out of a belief (things that I tell myself are true) that if I am honest, that other needs like connection, intimacy and closeness will go unmet. While those needs could go unment after expressing my honesty (and they did for a portion of my childhood), I had made a "cause-effect hypothesis" binding me to believe that the outcome of honesty meant emotional distance.

It has been interesting for me to note that as an adult, I was participating in relationships which sustained this pattern, that while it really wasn't meeting my needs for connection and intimacy in a consistent way, that the pattern itself was comfortable in its predictability. I couldn't see my role because I was in it -- like being inside a box and not knowing it.

So, in the past, my strategy was to suppress my honesty in an effort to influence the possibility of continuing to get these needs met -- I describe it now as "an effort to buy love." I found that as a result, this strategy generated resentment leading to anger which accumulated inside waiting for the opportunity to come out. And when it did, I made sure that the people closest to me paid a price. Ouch!

So, the cycle** appears to be:
1. propensity to give empathy without honesty (i.e. meeting the needs of others at the expense of my own)
2. external action on my part that is not consistent with my internal heart (i.e. done out of duty, obligation or to buy love)
3. internal resentment leads to accumulating anger
4. act of violence where others are made to pay a price
5. feelings of guilt and shame
6. repeat the cycle in an endless loop of insanity

As I became aware of the pattern by listening to my internal world, I am better able to make requests of myself to make different choices. These days, I am hearing my need for honesty, and also hearing the anxiety of loosing connection with those closest to me. After hearing my own truth, I am making requests of myself leading to different choices; especially expressing my honesty in ways that have the possibility of connection at the end.

Expressing my honesty with "I" statements, ending with a clear and present request to the other person: "I observe that ______ . I'm feeling ______ because I'm needing ______ . Would you be willing to ______ ?"

I have learned that "letting go of the outcome" is vital to my sanity, makes connections more likely, and it allows me to be open to abundant possibilities that come to life. I feel hope, delight and passion as it meets my needs for freedom to express my truth, balanced with the grace of empathy.

That freedom is something that I like to celebrate. It brings me joy to invite others into having this kind of conversation, as it meets my needs for contribution, connection and meaning.

I feel even more inspired as I remember what Yeshua said, "If you follow my teaching, then you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free."

** I am indebted to Jim and Jori Manske for pointing out this general pattern at the December 07 IIT.