Compassionate Connecting: Money for Food

About Compassionate Connecting

"Compassionate Connecting" describes our intention to facilitate communication and contribute to deepening relationships between people, within groups and organizations through the practice of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) GiraffeSurfer@gmail.com

What is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?
NVC is a form of language based on work by Marshall Rosenberg that is sometimes called compassionate communication. Its purpose is to strengthen our ability to inspire compassion from others and to respond compassionately to others and to ourselves. NVC guides us to reframe how we express ourselves and hear others by focusing on what we are observing, feeling, needing and requesting.

Surfing Metaphor
I like to use waves as a symbol for needs, and "Compassionate Connecting" is the surfboard. The challenge then becomes how to catch the wave so that we can all surf -- to connect and stay connected to others even as we identify our conflicting strategies. Once we each truly hear each others needs, finding mutually satisfying strategies is much more likely than before.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Money for Food - for thought

I went to main beach in Corona Del Mar on Friday evening for my weekly beach volleyball fix. My son Alex decided to skim board instead. While he was out there, he ran into his friend Robbie, and they traded off skimming on his board. After each volleyball game, I went out to check up on Alex, to make sure everything was ok (contributing to our needs for safety, peace and adventure). On my last trip out to check on him, his friend came up to me and told me that "they were hungry," "that they didn't have any money," and "do you have any money?"

I was surprised at the directness of his request. My jackals were telling me "how could he do this?" "it's rude and not proper!" I tried some "lame" empathy, "so you are hungry and don't have any money?" He said "yeah! Alex and I are hungry -- do you have any money?" This time, Alex yelled out from his skimming: "Dad, we're hungry! Can we have some money to buy food at the new beach restaurant?"

So, I answered "yes, I have some money," and walked away. I was feeling annoyed because I was wanting autonomy and I was hearing a demand. As I walked back to the volleyball court, I thought about my need for autonomy and their need for food, and how I might contribute to getting all of our needs met.

It was clear to me that indeed they were hungry (and it wasn't just some kid trying to "scam some money"), as now Alex joined the chorus. Robbie walked off a bit, and I had a chance to ask Alex how much he needed -- he said he didn't know because the restaurant was new.

I gave Alex $5. He ran off with Robbie and they discovered that prices were higher than they expected. But they bought an ice-cream treat and shared it. I didn't see Robbie after that, and Alex eventually came back telling me he was still hungry and wanted to buy fried cheese sticks for $4.50. I told him he could have another $5 if he gave me a couple -- he said yes. So, I got to taste the cold cheese sticks with BBQ sauce, and celebrated how great they tasted as I too was getting hungry.

After dinner, I began to think about my internal conversation regarding "my money", someone else's need for sustenance, and decided this was a topic worth writing about.

What would you do if someone asked for money to buy food? What do you do, and what is the conversation that you have with yourself and with the other person? How do you balance your need for autonomy with someone else's need to eat?