On the Hearts of Men

I recently was reminded of how "intellectual" my dialogs with men tend to be as I was reading blog entries in a site that I discovered recently. I was also reminded of how disconnected from my heart I was a few years back, and how this is a trend that I experience with other men as well. I can remember when I first participated in an introduction to NVC practice group in the Spring of 2002, how difficult the concepts were for me to grasp (i.e. how to give empathy and honesty) and how small a vocabulary of feelings and needs I had at the time. I really struggled to actively participate in the group; I was embarrassed and anxious because I was wanting more ease and clarity in how I communicated. I was so clueless at the time, that it wasn't until the Spring of 2007 that it all made sense (i.e. the light bulbs came "on"). My strategy for expanding my vocabulary of feelings was to put my feeling charts on my refrigerator and stare and study them a couple of times a day. The concept of needs came more naturally for me as I practiced NVC in groups.

~~~~So, why does the "Heart" matter? Why should men care about their hearts? ~~~~

From where I sit now, I feel awkward to have to motivate a desire for living from the heart, but I remember quite clearly how foreign the "heart stuff" was to me as I lived in a mind filled with analysis, judgment, comparison, evaluation. I received really good training at school, especially while getting my degrees in electrical engineering specializing in communication systems (ironic, isn't it?). At least from my own standpoint, I can safely say that I experience a lot of joy as I actively pursue strategies to meet my needs for authenticity, meaning, contribution and connection as I integrate this other part of me. This blog contains samples of what it looks like for me now. It's a lot more fun than just living in my head! I enjoy life more fully as I have learned to live connected to the heart, while my mind is still functioning (Using the mind never really goes away, but I am now using both hemispheres, not just one).

A few externally-sourced motivators:

* St. Iraneus, one of the main contributors to selecting which books of the Holy Bible were "inspired" and which were not once said, "The glory of God is man fully alive."

* "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (Proverbs 4:23)

* "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." (Matthew 5:9)

* One of the books which has brought me great joy and inspiration, as it met my needs for authenticity, meaning and learning about the heart is "The Journey of Desire - Searching for the Life We've Only Dreamed Of" by John Eldredge. It is filled with inspirational quotes motivating a life lived from the desires of the heart. It is written from the perspective of a Christ follower, but I think would translate well to other NVC practicing giraffes. (Desire is similar to a need in the NVC world, though desire seems to go deeper into longing).

* I ran into a very interesting blog posting by Dan Tochinni titled "God as Conversation", partly based on a translation of John 1 which uses Erasmus' concept of the Greek "Logos" as "conversation". I find some truth and meaning in the experience that the "heart of Christ" comes alive and present when two or more people are engaged in a heartfelt dialog in which they are connecting deeply; this is what I call it when it happens to me. The translation ends with "To be invited to share in a Conversation about the nature of life, was for them, a glorious opportunity not to be missed."

~~~~ Hypothesis: Men have a difficult time connecting to their hearts, and engaging in conversation from this place ~~~~

Conversely, that women generally have an easier time connecting from the heart than men.

To support this point, I offer a few observations. In this blog, which is about communicating through the heart and mind, around 10% of the comments come from men, 90% from women. At an NVC intensive training I attended last December, only 30% were men to 70% of women.

John Eldredge mentions in his book "Wild At Heart" how the hearts of men have been under attack for many thousands of years. The theologian Walter Wink in his book "The Powers That Be" talks about our culture of domination, which contributes to people living disconnected from their hearts, and become easier to manipulate. Marshall Rosenberg talks frequently how violence is more likely from people disconnected from their feelings and needs, and who are educated to create static "enemy images" of people who are somehow different from themselves (i.e. people disconnected from their own hearts and the hearts of others).

Not caring for now about the real source of the issue for men, can we at least agree that there is something for men to consider here? Would any men care to comment on their experiences in matters of the heart? (still ok for women to comment). Or is this issue about the same for women? Is this generalization helpful or not?