A New Chapter

Last week was filled with quality time with my son Alex. So, taking him to the airport for his flight back to Houston brought some sadness for me on Sunday. Though I got temporary relief from it as my sister, who lives in Seattle happened to have a layover in LAX on route to Maui. I was able to meet her for lunch in Hermosa Beach with a couple of her friends. We had fun chatting, celebrating Easter, the weather, and playing a bit in the sand and getting our feet wet before she had to catch her flight. Afterwards, I went roller-blading on the Strand North to Manhattan Beach and then South to Redondo Beach and then back to 15th Street, where I had parked. I felt a quiet sense of awe at all of the beauty around me; it was a gorgeous day as the sun was out, there weren't too many clouds, the ocean was a deep blue, and I enjoyed watching all of the different people around me.

After I was done roller-blading, I got back to my car and started driving South on the Pacific Coast Highway, or PCH. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I knew that general direction felt right. I ended up driving through my old neighborhood -- my old hang-out spots, and had my own little trip through "memory lane". I ended up parking my car in a section with a panoramic view of the ocean that I had not been to in 10 years. I found a bench near my car and sat there quietly, looking out on the ocean, noticing all of the details, and generally just taking it all in.

There were quite a few surfers catching waves when they could, children playing in the sand and running away from the waves, people walking and bike riding on the Strand below, pelicans flying about and diving for fish, and occasionally I'd see schools of dolphins jumping out of the water here and there. I was stirred and felt serene as I soaked in my surroundings. And yet I also felt some sadness, which went deeper than saying goodbye to my son. I was able to just sit with the feeling for a while in the hopes of getting some clarity on what was taking place inside.

I realized that the last time I had been at that particular place had been the day 10 years ago that I signed my final divorce papers. I remember overlooking the ocean and seeing a deep purplish-blue that seemed to take on a life of its own. I remembered thinking that the ocean whispered a quiet reminder of the divine being which created me and everything in sight, and that the water could envelop and cleanse all of the "dirt" and pain off my soul. This time, I was again reminded of the whisper, but I felt joy at being in a very different place, where I am experiencing more authenticity, freedom, much more integrity in my life (where my outside matches my inside), and a clarity to appreciate more of the meaning behind it all. And yet, I also felt the sadness at looking at all of the struggles and challenges that it took to get here. I experienced the closing of a chapter, and the beginning of a new one. I was feeling grateful for where I am now, and hopeful that I will find purpose, something unique to contribute, and intimacy in my future. And I was grateful for the abundance and grace around and within me, that was available to me at no cost; I just had to be open to receive it. That gift is worth celebrating!