Starting to Build Community

One of my desires is for building community. To help create a "place" where my needs and other people's needs for authenticity, mutuality, acceptance, understanding, learning and connection are met. Not just any group of people will do; I have learned that it really helps if everyone involved is aware, values and desires to have these needs met, without judgment.

Last night, a bunch of my friends got together with the intention of creating community. I suggested that everyone state which needs they were bringing to the group. After each person shared the needs alive for them, each of us listed some ways in which we thought these needs could be met (i.e. we listed our strategies). There were lots of similar needs voiced: to be heard, empathy, celebration and connection, so it wasn't difficult to come up with a strategy that met everyone's needs.

One of the first strategies suggested was to go around the room, and ask each person how their week went, and the group would offer empathy to that person. For example, if I was giving empathy to someone, I would listen for the speaker's feelings and needs and ask them if this is what they were experiencing. It usually took the form of "are you feeling ____ because you are needing ____?". While empathy doesn't have to exactly follow that form, it is a simple way to remember it and apply it.

Another strategy that was suggested was prayer, which is making clear requests to the creator and sometimes to each other, while at the same time celebrating what is alive and good, and inviting others to participate in this celebration. Sometimes, mourning is part of prayer, where we openly express what we are feeling, and we acknowledge the need that wasn't met, but always making a clear request to what is desired. I remember thinking to myself that there is much more abundance in the requests to have needs met than in making requests to have strategies fulfilled.

I was reminded of the similarities between the group prayer and our "Celebrations and Mournings" sessions at the NVC intensive training, which we had every evening after all of the sessions were complete. I recall that this was also a time for people to make clear and present requests to the group for ways in which we could get our needs met, and sometimes strategies were also proposed by the group.

My longing for a place I could call "home" came up last night, as I listened to one of my friends share about her own longing for a safe and enduring place to connect. As I started to give her empathy, I started to feel my own sadness around this issue. She expressed that she was feeling some anxiety at going deeper, and at noticing my sadness, she invited me to share my stuff. I began to talk about my longings for a safe place, in which I could be myself, and be accepted for who I am -- without judgment. I talked about my longings for a place to be heard and understood, a place where I could be creative and contribute to other people's lives in unique ways, and to have my contribution acknowledged and celebrated when needs were met. I talked about my need for deep honesty, in which I could say whatever is in my heart, to have it be listened to without judgment, to help me find the "light" in whatever is going on. I talked about my desire to share my "jackals", and regrets that I have at things that I have done in the past, which I would now do differently, and still be accepted and loved by the group. As I was sharing these things, my eyes watered up a bit and she came to sit next to me. She didn't say anything for a while, but I was sensing from her actions that she felt understood and connected to me. In this case at least, she didn't need to use words. And after a while, neither did I.

I would enjoy knowing if anything I've said here has stimulated anything in you. If so, and it would meet your needs, would you be willing to post a "comment" here to share it?