The Plank, The Speck and Self-Empathy

I am intrigued by something that happened to me yesterday. I had written a speech titled Self-Empathy as a Means to Connection as part of my participation in Toastmasters. As I practiced reciting the words I had written while pacing back and forth in my living room, I realized the content of my speech was very similar to the teachings around the metaphors of the "plank" and the "speck" given by Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount. Granted, I had written about these similarities in my book project, but my intention of the speech was different - more to inform than to persuade. I was inspired to include the insight in my speech as this helped to meet needs for meaning and discovery. Part of the challenge of Toastmasters, is to write and deliver a speech in 4 to 6 minutes. Here are the points I was trying to make:

• Empathy is the process of being with someone in their experience; a kind of respectful listening from the heart which acknowledges their feelings and needs.
• It is difficult to be empathetic with someone else, if we are not aware of our own heart experience going into the conversation. Our own emotions would get in the way of our being present with the other person, unless we have already acknowledged our own feelings and needs.
• In NVC, the process of getting clear with our own heart is called "self-empathy", and contains four elements: 1.Observations, 2.Feelings, 3.Needs and 4.Requests.
• As such, self-empathy is a means to connection, a stepping stone in connecting with someone else.

Here are the words of Jesus from the bible, followed with my brief commentary on the parallels to NVC.

• "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Matt 1-2 NIV)

Here, Jesus makes that point that judging others, also affects us - the judge. The implication of not judging is that we are invited to accept others in love (not agreeing, just accepting) - the points about love, acceptance and mutuality are covered in different parts of his sermon. In NVC, this is called Observation.

• "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matt 7:3-5 NIV)

Jesus makes that point that we can't help our brother with their issue, if we have our own issues getting in the way. It doesn't make sense to try to help them, if/when we have our own stuff with us in the moment. He seems to be saying something like: You silly dude, take care of your heart before trying to help your brother; then, you will have enough presence to help them with their problems.

This is exactly the point I was trying to make in my speech -- that we can't really connect with someone if we haven't taken care of our own heart stuff. It is very interesting what he says a couple of verses afterward:

• "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matt 7:7 NIV)

Jesus very clearly is inviting us to ask for what we want, as it will help us find what we seek. In NVC, this is called making a Request.

Wow! Is that cool or what? I feel like I've discovered a treasure, as both NVC and Jesus' teachings have helped me find clarity and joy... (more of that's in my book).

So, I gave my speech without notes, which you can see in the video below.



The speech was well-received, and I'm generally happy with it, though there are a few things I would tweak... (practice, practice, practice). Part of the constructive feedback for improvement was:

* Define empathy more clearly in relation to self-empathy
* Clarify the outline, especially around: 1.Observations, 2.Feelings, 3.Needs, 4.Requests
* Don't mention that you are nervous (though for me, that's a perfect example of the value of self-empathy)

I'm curious to hear other people's reactions to what I've written, or what's on the video - around my needs for connection, learning and community. Would you be willing to comment on what came up for you?

Early Morning

Woke up early this morning, just like I have been for the past month or so. This time, it was still dark outside; I got up after realizing that sleeping was hopeless. I made a cup of coffee and went on to my balcony to enjoy the sights and sounds. Birds singing, crows squawking, and the pine trees just stood there as if saying:

"Yeah, thanks for stopping by - Where have you been? We've been waiting for you."

And then God dimmed the lights on, showing the purple of a jacaranda tree beginning to flower. Ahhh...

I've been pretty energized this year; so much that I've been waking up earlier than usual. I'm excited to work on my book, to get it ready for publishing -- the book project is helping me to meet needs for meaningful expression in the hopes of contributing to the well-being of others.

On Friday, I printed the "good enough" version of the manuscript and sent it out to some authors, pastors and NVC trainers -- hoping that they'll like it enough that they'll tell their friends, and give me a supporting "blurb".

Given that I'm in the third trimester of the book's development (it does sort of feel like a baby to me), I don't have much to do in terms of writing while the editors work on it some more. Writing, it seems, is more of a community project than I had realized; while much of the raw stuff of the book was typed by me, lots of people's comments go into shaping the final product.

This inertia of editing woke me up, so I had time for writing this blog post. I'm also realizing that its been a while since I've been out to the mountains alone; they seem to be calling me too. I'm pondering whether a backpack trip is in my immediate future or not. The time seems right; I need to unplug for a bit. Immersing myself in nature, away from the city helps me to hear God's voice more clearly...

Mountain Retreat Experience

I spent last weekend in the mountains with old friends, and got to make some new ones. We attended workshops, meetings, practiced self-care, and played a lot.

My favorite workshop invited us to consider our artistic identities, and how we could use creative expression as a means to grow and contribute to the well-being of others.

At the meetings, I enjoyed people's openness and willingness to be honest with their heart meeting needs for authenticity, honesty and belonging, as we all are trying to find health and life alone and together.

I got to practice self-care by getting a massage, taking naps, going in the hot-tub, and waking up before dawn to watch God fade the lights on while I practiced Tai Chi.

We all played through singing, drumming and dancing together. But my favorite activity was the "Talent/No-talent" show. I was surprised at how much fun this was for me, and how much "Talent" showed up in the room - several of us commented on how the "No-talent" was missing; but I think it was more about being authentic with our play and showing up to be ourselves in front of a bunch of other people.

I signed up to read a poem I had written a few years ago called "The Well". I was telling myself that "it was too long" and feeling some anxiety around that -- as I gave myself empathy, I realized that I was wanting to contribute aliveness and flow through my poem, and I was also wanting to show mutual consideration to the other participants given that there were so many. After sharing my honesty with the MC, and with the group, I read the poem to the audience; this was the first time I had ever read this poem in front of anyone. I took my time reading it, and pausing after each phrase allowing absorption to take place. I could hear my own voice echoing in the room (I love to speak into a microphone). I got a little chocked up around the verse that described living water exposing all the gold, as my needs for meaning, contribution and beauty were stimulated. As I finished, I felt joy, support from my friends, a sense of accomplishment, and celebrated the peace that I helped to create.

At the end of the retreat, we all gathered in a circle to celebrate the joys of the weekend and mourn our return to normal life. I was moved by all of the beauty in the room. It was fun for me to harvest the heart stuff, reminding everyone that we get to take it home with us -- we had access to it any time we wanted. I felt the joy of contribution, belonging and community -- part of the gold that I uncovered this weekend.